One of the biggest things that I am dealing with right now is knowing that I am making all of these changes from a place of love and people not being able to accept it for what it is.
It breaks my heart to know that I twisted people’s vision of me so much that when I am genuinely doing better, and improving, and healing that it isn’t taken at face value.
I’m being judged right now. What does that mean? People are taking the evidence of the past, and making a final conclusion on who I am or how things are going to turn out.
They aren’t looking at the evidence in front of them, in the present, and making decisions off of those facts.
I’m hurt that my intentions are not seen for what they are, and they are assumed to be something else. When I am doing something with care and love, it comes off as controlling. When I try to express how I’m feeling, it comes off like I’m in a place of fear.
When I’m insecure or feel uneasy about a topic or statement, I make jokes or laugh unintentionally to break the tension. And it comes off as mockery or dismissiveness.
I’m trying to navigate all of this the best I can without having a complete emotional breakdown.
I’m making changes. And not little ones here and there. I’m making as many fucking changes that I can. It’s a work in progress and I’m going to slip up every once in awhile. But I’m making massive improvements in such a short time. I’ve just got a lot of shitty things to work through from the past 16 years.
We have to let our guard down and lower the walls around our hearts just a little bit. We need to get to know each other. We need to meet each other where we are at now, and not where we used to be.
We need to get the anger out of our hearts. It is a barrier that is not allowing a better friendship to happen. Anger, resentment, fear, concern. These are things that are getting in the way.
Trust, honesty, acceptance, and love. That’s what we need more of to get through this.
If we choose to let ourselves stay guarded and not let one another in, then we are doing a huge disservice to the way relationships (friendships) are built.
I do have fear in my heart, but it is not why I am doing all of this. Im fearful that I will be made fun of or dismissed for my actions. Im fearful that I will never be able to show more love. Im fearful that my words will never be taken for the honesty and love that they are.
I’m fearful that my actions and changes will come off as manipulation, and not because I want to change and to be better.
I’m fearful that my love will not be accepted for what it is.
I’m fearful that the gifts I give will be received without the love that went into them.
I am a good person that has done a lot of stupid shit.
But I’m doing better. Not for my wife, not for my kids, but because I woke up and made a choice to work on me, and how that effects others.
The hurt and fear will subside as I work through these things in therapy.
Be patient and continue to be loving and accepting.
Sometimes the hardest thing we have to do in the day is setting our emotions aside to focus on what is important.
Just show up. Even when it’s hard, especially when it’s hard. Do everything you do from a place of love, and not a place of pain or anger.
Just keep putting in the work. Nothing in life is just going to be handed to any of us.
Show up and do hard things, but don’t dismiss the sadness, anger, pain, and fear. Those are usually triggering points, and those are the things that we all need to work on.