I wasn’t quite sure what accountability actually meant in regard to the current situation that we are in. It took me a bit of time to tear down everything that I was trying to pinpoint to be the main reason you left, thinking that if it were one instance or issue I would be able to fix it. This was my old way of thinking and lasted only about 3 days into this separation before it finally hit me.
I’ve never held myself accountable for my choices and actions. I assumed that the consequences of my decisions on others were their problem to deal with.
That fact that I went through periods of our marriage with this mindset upsets me greatly.
When looking back at our relationship it honestly wasn’t bad but it wasn’t a good marriage, and it wasn’t what you deserved. How did I think that I could be so neglectful of our marriage and you would stick around?
Honestly, I’m lucky to have been given as much time as I did. It was more than I deserved.
But you have talked to me in the past. Granted, neither of us have ever communicated to one another the way that we are now. The conversations we are having are sometimes very heavy and emotionally and mentally draining, but the fact that that barrier is finally gone and we are able to speak open and honestly with one another is so freeing.
I rarely held myself accountable in the past for my personal relationships with others. I would always find excuses or place blame on someone else.
As the oh so brilliant and great Taylor Swift would say… “It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.”
So now I am taking full accountability for my choices and decisions. And this isn’t something I am just doing now and moving forward, no, this is me ripping through all of the things I’ve done in my adult life in the past and putting the blame back where it needs to me.
I can not grow effectively if I do not take responsibility and LEARN from the MANY mistakes of my past.
And that’s what I’m doing.
I am hyper-vigilant about certain topics, situations, and scenarios now. Knowing that I had so many narcissistic traits and tendencies in the past has made me see it in so many instances of not only my life, but of those I see around me, those I see in movies, and those I see on TV.
We grew up in a society that doesn’t demonize narcissism enough for what it is.
I truly believe that if I were more aware of what I was actually doing, if I could have seen past myself and the effect it was having on others, I would have quit that shit a long time ago.
Gaslighting and manipulation as well. What the fuck was I doing all this time? It’s all for control.
CONTROL IS BULLSHIT.
If you have “control” in any relationship, I’m here to tell you right now that you are losing. You are headed down a path of pushing away and losing all of the loved ones in your life.
I promised you that I would fight to have you fall in love with me again. But I’m making it very well known that I’m going to do it the right way. I will not manipulate you. I will not gaslight you. I will not make you feel less than me. You deserve the world, and I’m going to fucking give it to you.
I don’t want control in a relationship anymore. And I’m learning that there are little things that I do that still try and control certain situations. But I have to let that go because it’s my own insecurities.
The thing I do want control over, and that I now have and realize just how powerful it is, is the way that I treat and talk to others. The way I react to certain conversations. The way that I show my love and appreciation.
I’m going to hold myself accountable, and accept and appreciate when someone calls me out on my bullshit.
Because that’s what a relationship should be. Two people coming together and pushing them to be the best versions of themselves.
Guess what. You’re pushing me to be the best version of myself that I ever have been. I look back on our marriage and remember a lot of the good times. I was a good father for the better part of our kids lives. I was a good husband, granted not where I needed to be, but I showed more love to you than I did over the last few years.
And those are the things I did before I took full accountability and made the changes that I needed to make.
I am now going to 3 different therapy sessions. Personal, family, and couples. I’m going to address it all. I’m going to tear down the lies, and the excuses, and get called out on all of my bullshit so that I am healed and have a heart that only knows love and how to give and show love to others.
I’m not placing blame anymore. My mental health issues are not excuses for my shitty behavior. I let my mental health issues dictate way too much of my life. But I’m not going to anymore. Instead of just “accepting” that I’m “different” I’m going to get the fucking help I should have gotten long ago and get the root of the issues resolved. Do I even actually have mental health issues? Or was I just finding something to blame for my shitty behavior? It’s an honest question, and one that I’m confident I know the answer to.
I’m asking you, and I’m asking our kids, to call me out on my bullshit when I’m doing or saying something that I shouldn’t. I know for a fact that I am getting better at this every day.
I am respecting your boundaries. I am learning to stop talking when you ask me to. I am learning that it’s okay to have space. Right now, you’re not going anywhere. And neither am I. So while you are still here I’m going to show you this incredible man. And this is not me being full of myself, this is me saying I know what I can give you.
You will not fall in love with the person you did before. You will (hopefully) fall in love with this wonderfully kind man. That is gentle with his words. That shows up as an equal, not above you. That wants to do life together as partners. That listens and stares into your eyes as you speak. That prioritizes your needs and wants. A man that is a role model to his children.
I’m going to be a man that teaches his children what true love is. It’s a lot of work. But it should be, because you are always growing, together and separate.
I’m going to be a man that my son strives to be when he grows up as a husband and a father. That knows unconditional love. That cares so deeply. That cherishes and loves his wife.
I’m taking full accountability. I’m giving this my all. I’m not half-assing anything.
I’M ALL IN.