Deserved?

“I’m sorry you have to heal from things that weren’t you fault.”

It’s a real shitty thing to have to be in that situation. And it’s been so consistent throughout my life. So many traumas since I was a young child that I’ve grown up believing that bad things happen because of me.

I blame myself for so many problems in my life. I carry so much burden that I generally in the past have defaulted to feeling like I deserve it so much that I don’t even tell others about the way I’m feeling.

Why would all of these things happen to me if I didn’t deserve them? If I’m supposed to fall on my faith, how am I supposed to believe that a loving, just god would allow these things to happen to me?

I’m stronger because of the things that have happened to me? No, I’m fucking broken. My heart is shattered into a million pieces, scattered across the floor, that anyone who tries to get close ends up cutting themselves and backing away for fear of being hurt.

I just want to be seen. Ironic, right? That my marriage almost ended because I wasn’t seeing my wife, and yet it is the one thing that I desire so much in my life.

I’m here. I’m standing here. Bleeding out, begging to be seen.

I’ve done some shitty things in my life, but I never did anything to deserve the pain that I am in right now. And I can’t do a goddamn thing about it.

Because it’s not about me. And I don’t deserve to have my needs met. So why am I making such a big fucking deal about not being seen?

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Forgiveness

As much as it amazes me how much a heart can take before it finally gives out, it also amazes me how much a person is capable of forgiving.

If I wouldn’t have made a decision 7 weeks ago to change, I’m petrified to think of where I would be today mentally.

My mind is on high alert right now, and I just need it to be quieted. And it doesn’t take much. It takes reassurances. It takes physical touch. It takes prioritization.

It takes making me feel like I’m the decision, and not an option. It takes making me feel wanted. It takes hearing the things I’m saying are important to me, and doing something about it.

I’ve given so much of myself these last 7 weeks, and I’ve not asked for anything in return. I got a matching tattoo with my daughter, but other than that I’ve done nothing for myself. I haven’t bought myself anything. I guess that’s not true. I did buy a few new pieces of clothes along the way, but it’s because I lost 38 fucking pounds in less than 6 weeks.

It’s amazing what your body can endure when it is in survival mode.

But I’ve done the opposite. I’ve done so much for others, and have not asked for anything in return.

I’ve sold off a massive chunk of my collectibles. I cancelled every single item I had preordered. I didn’t even preorder the new Zelda game coming out in a few months. I’m going to be selling even more items.

I’ve purchased vacations, bought cars, new family pets, so many trips to get coffee and fast food, clothes, shoes, books, car accessories.

Who am I to expect to be seen or to deserve anything. I went so long not seeing others that this is just what it is.

I put so much of what happened on my shoulders that I’ve been in this massive forgiveness stage, and a I’ve had to forgive more than most people would ever do.

I guess I’m asking for forgiveness as well.

I’m asking for grace.

I’m asking to be chosen.

I’m asking to be thought of.

I’m asking to be prioritized.

I’m asking to be provided with constant reassurances.

I’m asking to be made to feel like I’m worth loving. Because right now I don’t feel like I am.

Forgiveness is such a weird thing. That I’m so comfortable giving it, but so uncomfortable asking for it.

I’m uncomfortable asking for anything in general. Asking leads to expectations, which leads to disappointment, which leads to more self-hatred and heartbreak.

What did I do so wrong in a past life that I had to be out through so much in this one.

I don’t know how much more heartbreak I can endure.

I’m begging you to please start picking up the pieces and putting my heat back together.

I’m incredibly needy right now. And I feel like shit because of it.

Damnit!