Starting Over

I know you don’t read these anymore, but I can’t blame you for not wanting to. I hope you want to see how I’m processing.

The dust is starting to settle and the ring in my ears is beginning to fade. My face is covered in debris and I can hear the remaining walls fall around me.

It’s gone. Everything that I worked so hard for is destroyed. My home is gone. My children’s safe space and security is gone. The love of my life is gone. The family vacations I wanted to take are gone. The life I wanted to give my family is gone.

I didn’t hold the detonator, but I’m the one that planted the bombs.

But that doesn’t matter. Everything exploded and now everything is gone.

But my kids are still here, and they are begging their dad to keep fighting. They are begging their dad to rebuild.

And you are still here. It’s hard to see you through all of the dust, but I can hear your voice in the distance.

I want to rebuild. I have to rebuild. I must show up for my family and give them all the life that they deserve.

So I’m going to do hard things. When I feel like giving up on everything so the pain can go away, I will fight harder, knowing the pain is because of how much love there is.

The foundation is demolished. That life was never built correctly in the first place. We built on stilts, on a hill. It was bound to collapse at some point.

I don’t want that life rebuilt. I want to build the one that you deserve. I want to build the one my kids feel emotionally safe in again. I want to build the one that you know can never be shaken again.

So we have to start from the bottom and work our way up. The foundation is the most important part and if it’s not done right, and the time and care are not put into it, then it’s never going to fully be able to support the weight of the amount of love that the rest of the house will be built with.

So I see you.

I comprehend.

Square one.

And I know it’s going to be a tough fight. My hands are tied and I can only walk through small pathways to get to you. But I’ll be damned if I ever stop pushing forward. Every step I take is going to strengthen the foundation beneath us. I may not be able to do big things, but it’s the little things that make the foundation secure. I can see you faintly in the distance, walking slowly, pained from the damage that you have been through, hesitant to trust the foundation as it’s failed you in the past.

I hear you.

I trust you.

You have no more reason to lie to me.

I won’t question you when you talk to me. I won’t make assumptions on what you meant. I won’t try to control the situation.

So here we are. Starting over.

I’m here. I’m going to show up every day, especially on the hard days. I’m going to work with everything that I have to make sure that you finally feel safe with the foundation we will build together. And I hope that you see the hard work I am doing to make sure this foundation is going to be stronger.

I know I can sometimes start walking towards the edge to begin building the walls, but I know that’s not where you are. You can’t move far until you can trust the floor won’t give out. And that it is a safe space to move about.

And I pray that the time comes when you will want to look around, with me closer to you than I’ve ever been, and tell me “I’m ready for a roof.”

So here we are.

Hi, my name is Kyle and I would like to be your friend.

It’s Not About Me

Words can carry so much emotion and meaning behind them. They lose their value when the actions do not follow. These are hard for me to write, but every part of my heart is in them.

“I’ll never be as good as I’d like to be.” And I’ll never be as good as you deserve.

I love you so very much. But it’s not about me.

I have hurt you. And when you needed me most I didn’t show up.

I don’t want to hurt you anymore. And as hard as it is going to be on me, I know that I have to let you go.

Too much of our life has been about me, and it can’t be that way any longer.

I’m never going to stop fighting for you. And I’m never going to stop loving you.

I am always going to be here for you. I hope our paths meet again someday and I can make you fall in love with this person I am going to be.

It hurts me to know that I am hurting you by being this version of myself that you have always wanted me to be. But it’s not about me anymore. It’s about correcting the things that have been brought to my attention. So I can be a better father. So I can be a better friend…

You deserve the world. You don’t believe it, but you do. And all I can give you is my heart.

This song has been playing on repeat, but it’s true. I’ll never be as good as I’d like to be. Because the best part of me has always been you.

We will all be okay in the end. You. The kids. Me.

I will never stop loving you, but I have to accept that I will have to love you from a distance.

I can’t wait to see the beautiful life you are going to build for yourself with me no longer holding you back.

It’s not about me. It’s about you, and you putting yourself first. It’s a bittersweet dream come true. My biggest dream has always been that you would see yourself the way that I see you. And now you have, but it’s not with me. And it hurts, but that’s okay. Sometimes good things come from bad situations.

Pain is inevitable. It means that it mattered. It means that there was so much love. It means that there was kindness, and care, and empathy.

I’m proud of you. And I love you. And I hope that we can meet again someday and start over. I’m not giving up, but I love you so much to know that this is what needs to happen for your happiness. And it’s not about me. Your happiness has to come first.

I am a better person for knowing you, and for the love you have given me all this time. And for that, I will be okay. Because you have always shown me that I am worth loving, and you have always shown me what true love is.

So thank you. For being you.

I will always be here for you. Always.

For My Kids

Since my children have now found my blog and have asked me to continue using it I will be putting in more time to put my thoughts to paper (metaphorically of course).

I’m processing a lot of emotions right now, but one that I’m not experiencing is anger towards anyone but myself. How can I be angry for something that made me wake up and realize I am wasting the precious time I have with my 3 amazing children?

I hope that I have been a good father to my children. I know there are areas where I have failed, but I think I’ve done okay. I know I have been overly critical to my oldest daughter. I see so much potential and want to give you the world, but you frustrate me sometimes with some of the choices you make. And in the past I have lashed out at you verbally and put you down, or even silencing your voice. I should have just sat down with you, one-on-one, to understand what is going on with your life.

You don’t need me to fix anything. You just want your dad. You want to feel loved. You want to know that you are wanted.

And my heart aches so much knowing I have hurt you.

I’m sorry it took this to finally be better.

I’m not going anywhere. And we will be close again. You need your dad, and I need my daughter.

And my youngest daughter who feels like she is invisible and not seen. I see you. I know you love me so incredibly much that you physically get sick when I’m not around. I see the pressure you are putting on yourself because you think that is what I want. But for all of you, your health and your happiness are the most important things to me. Give yourself some grace. You don’t need to carry the world on your shoulders. I’m your dad and I will be better about taking these burdens off of your shoulders. Be a kid. Enjoy life. Follow your passions. And I will support you in anything you want to do.

I see you. I need to say it again. I see you. You are standing in front of me and you need your dad. I will always be here for you.

My dear boy. My sweet sweet boy. You already struggle with processing things and you are going through so much right now. Daddy is going to be okay. We are all going to be okay through this. I’m going to be such a better father to you because of this. We will work through your feelings together. It’s okay to be sad, but know that no one is intentionally trying to hurt another person. Sometimes decisions you make in life will cause pain, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the right choice.

I’m going to get better about understanding how you are processing things with your autism. I’m going to take a step back and communicate with you better to get things figured out. You are learning so much right now and I know you see a lot of the world in black or white, right or wrong, but things are a lot more complicated than that. Just always know that as long as you are making decisions from a place of love in your heart, then you’re headed in the right direction.

I know I’m really good with words when I write. Not that great when I need to speak them, but I acknowledge that to all of you my words have lost a lot of meaning throughout your lives. All I can do now is be intentional and show you how much I love you all. We will play games together. We will sit and have conversations. I will listen when you need to talk and not try to fix things. I will support you. We will go on regular date nights and have one-on-one time.

When you are older I want you to know what love is. I want you to look back and say love is what my dad gave me. He made me feel appreciated. He made me feel seen. He let my voice be heard. He gave me a safe space to be myself without fear of judgement.

And that’s what I’m going to do for you.

So I will never have anger in my heart for what is happening, and neither should you. Good things come from bad situations. The rainbows follow the rain. Know that I have so much love in my heart. I have been so incredibly loved, even when I didn’t deserve it. To know that feeling so intimately has been one of the greatest joys in my life.

I will be okay. I’m not doing any of this because I have to, but because my heart is so full of love that I need to be okay so I can give that love to you all.

Your dad is here and I’m not going anywhere.

I love you!

The Pain That You Deserve

I can not sleep. The medication is supposed to help, but I lie here at night and the loneliness stands over me, keeping me in place with a mirror pointing at my face reminding me that I am to blame.

I am to blame. This is all my fault. It’s always been my fault.

Today is a day that I wish I would have followed through on ideals that ran through my mind when the darkness took hold.

You wouldn’t hurt if I weren’t here to cause the pain.

I wouldn’t hurt if I weren’t here.

I can not eat. I will work through my meals because you ask me to, because despite everything you still care. But it doesn’t stay down.

I deserve this pain.

I can officially say that I have damaged all of the most important relationships in my life. When I am a grenade that demolishes everything when I go off, why continue to even go out?

I tried to be a good husband and father. And I failed.

I just want to love fully.

As of today I can not see a future for myself. When I try to look ahead all I see is a world drowning in my tears, the people begging me to go away.

I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve the love I have been given.

I don’t deserve the patience and acceptance they was given to me by my wife.

I do deserve the pain. It is mine to bear. It is mine to carry while I have the strength to carry it.

It’s never been my intention to hurt anyone else.

I’m so sorry…