It’s Not About Me

Family

Words can carry so much emotion and meaning behind them. They lose their value when the actions do not follow. These are hard for me to write, but every part of my heart is in them.

“I’ll never be as good as I’d like to be.” And I’ll never be as good as you deserve.

I love you so very much. But it’s not about me.

I have hurt you. And when you needed me most I didn’t show up.

I don’t want to hurt you anymore. And as hard as it is going to be on me, I know that I have to let you go.

Too much of our life has been about me, and it can’t be that way any longer.

I’m never going to stop fighting for you. And I’m never going to stop loving you.

I am always going to be here for you. I hope our paths meet again someday and I can make you fall in love with this person I am going to be.

It hurts me to know that I am hurting you by being this version of myself that you have always wanted me to be. But it’s not about me anymore. It’s about correcting the things that have been brought to my attention. So I can be a better father. So I can be a better friend…

You deserve the world. You don’t believe it, but you do. And all I can give you is my heart.

This song has been playing on repeat, but it’s true. I’ll never be as good as I’d like to be. Because the best part of me has always been you.

We will all be okay in the end. You. The kids. Me.

I will never stop loving you, but I have to accept that I will have to love you from a distance.

I can’t wait to see the beautiful life you are going to build for yourself with me no longer holding you back.

It’s not about me. It’s about you, and you putting yourself first. It’s a bittersweet dream come true. My biggest dream has always been that you would see yourself the way that I see you. And now you have, but it’s not with me. And it hurts, but that’s okay. Sometimes good things come from bad situations.

Pain is inevitable. It means that it mattered. It means that there was so much love. It means that there was kindness, and care, and empathy.

I’m proud of you. And I love you. And I hope that we can meet again someday and start over. I’m not giving up, but I love you so much to know that this is what needs to happen for your happiness. And it’s not about me. Your happiness has to come first.

I am a better person for knowing you, and for the love you have given me all this time. And for that, I will be okay. Because you have always shown me that I am worth loving, and you have always shown me what true love is.

So thank you. For being you.

I will always be here for you. Always.

For My Kids

Family

Since my children have now found my blog and have asked me to continue using it I will be putting in more time to put my thoughts to paper (metaphorically of course).

I’m processing a lot of emotions right now, but one that I’m not experiencing is anger towards anyone but myself. How can I be angry for something that made me wake up and realize I am wasting the precious time I have with my 3 amazing children?

I hope that I have been a good father to my children. I know there are areas where I have failed, but I think I’ve done okay. I know I have been overly critical to my oldest daughter. I see so much potential and want to give you the world, but you frustrate me sometimes with some of the choices you make. And in the past I have lashed out at you verbally and put you down, or even silencing your voice. I should have just sat down with you, one-on-one, to understand what is going on with your life.

You don’t need me to fix anything. You just want your dad. You want to feel loved. You want to know that you are wanted.

And my heart aches so much knowing I have hurt you.

I’m sorry it took this to finally be better.

I’m not going anywhere. And we will be close again. You need your dad, and I need my daughter.

And my youngest daughter who feels like she is invisible and not seen. I see you. I know you love me so incredibly much that you physically get sick when I’m not around. I see the pressure you are putting on yourself because you think that is what I want. But for all of you, your health and your happiness are the most important things to me. Give yourself some grace. You don’t need to carry the world on your shoulders. I’m your dad and I will be better about taking these burdens off of your shoulders. Be a kid. Enjoy life. Follow your passions. And I will support you in anything you want to do.

I see you. I need to say it again. I see you. You are standing in front of me and you need your dad. I will always be here for you.

My dear boy. My sweet sweet boy. You already struggle with processing things and you are going through so much right now. Daddy is going to be okay. We are all going to be okay through this. I’m going to be such a better father to you because of this. We will work through your feelings together. It’s okay to be sad, but know that no one is intentionally trying to hurt another person. Sometimes decisions you make in life will cause pain, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the right choice.

I’m going to get better about understanding how you are processing things with your autism. I’m going to take a step back and communicate with you better to get things figured out. You are learning so much right now and I know you see a lot of the world in black or white, right or wrong, but things are a lot more complicated than that. Just always know that as long as you are making decisions from a place of love in your heart, then you’re headed in the right direction.

I know I’m really good with words when I write. Not that great when I need to speak them, but I acknowledge that to all of you my words have lost a lot of meaning throughout your lives. All I can do now is be intentional and show you how much I love you all. We will play games together. We will sit and have conversations. I will listen when you need to talk and not try to fix things. I will support you. We will go on regular date nights and have one-on-one time.

When you are older I want you to know what love is. I want you to look back and say love is what my dad gave me. He made me feel appreciated. He made me feel seen. He let my voice be heard. He gave me a safe space to be myself without fear of judgement.

And that’s what I’m going to do for you.

So I will never have anger in my heart for what is happening, and neither should you. Good things come from bad situations. The rainbows follow the rain. Know that I have so much love in my heart. I have been so incredibly loved, even when I didn’t deserve it. To know that feeling so intimately has been one of the greatest joys in my life.

I will be okay. I’m not doing any of this because I have to, but because my heart is so full of love that I need to be okay so I can give that love to you all.

Your dad is here and I’m not going anywhere.

I love you!

The Pain That You Deserve

Family, Life

I can not sleep. The medication is supposed to help, but I lie here at night and the loneliness stands over me, keeping me in place with a mirror pointing at my face reminding me that I am to blame.

I am to blame. This is all my fault. It’s always been my fault.

Today is a day that I wish I would have followed through on ideals that ran through my mind when the darkness took hold.

You wouldn’t hurt if I weren’t here to cause the pain.

I wouldn’t hurt if I weren’t here.

I can not eat. I will work through my meals because you ask me to, because despite everything you still care. But it doesn’t stay down.

I deserve this pain.

I can officially say that I have damaged all of the most important relationships in my life. When I am a grenade that demolishes everything when I go off, why continue to even go out?

I tried to be a good husband and father. And I failed.

I just want to love fully.

As of today I can not see a future for myself. When I try to look ahead all I see is a world drowning in my tears, the people begging me to go away.

I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve the love I have been given.

I don’t deserve the patience and acceptance they was given to me by my wife.

I do deserve the pain. It is mine to bear. It is mine to carry while I have the strength to carry it.

It’s never been my intention to hurt anyone else.

I’m so sorry…

I Want To Try And Explain Some Things

anger, depression, love, pain, sadness, Therapy

Tomorrow is the big day. I finally put my mental health first and begin therapy. And I am really excited about finally healing, but I’m also petrified.

I’m anxious to start because I feel like I will finally have someone to talk to that understands the things I’m saying. The problem with my depression is that most people I have been open with about it just don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense to them how someone who appears to have it all together can struggle so much internally.

And I know I’m not alone. I recently found out that my own niece is having struggles with depression as well. To the point where she had to be hospitalized for a little while. Truth be told, I should have been hospitalized in the past as well, because if it weren’t for the few strands I was clinging on to I wouldn’t be here right now.

So I want to share with everyone, especially my loved ones, what depression, and trauma, is to ME. This is not a one-size fits all. This fits my personal feelings. But I want people to understand what goes on.

This isn’t going to make sense to most of you, but depression is such a bittersweet experience. I absolutely hate when my depression overpowers my thoughts and consumes me. And that’s the first thing I want you to know. Depression is not just a mental thing. It does not burrow its way into your mind and stay put. No, it worms its way through every part of your being, extending even past yourself and inflicting harm and sorrow onto the things and people around you. I want you to think of a pitch black room with no light. This is depression when it is all consuming. Now, you can try and bring light into the room but the second the light flickers on it is immediately extinguished by the darkness around it. You physically feel depression. I have seen videos and pictures posted by others of people who committed suicide just a few days after. And in every single one you can physically see the pain, sadness, and emotional burden that is upon them.

To those who think suicide is a selfish act, you are sorely mistaken. Suicide is not something that people just stumble upon. It is an act that has been thought about several times. It has been the topic of pros and cons lists. It has been weighed against the damage that will be caused to others. And it sadly wins in the end for several people.

Those who commit suicide from depression know the pain that others will go through. But the pain that they feel themselves is just too much for them to bear.

And do you know why they don’t reach out to others? Because sometimes they want to limit the damage that is caused to others.

If I were to ever take my own life, which I have thought about at several points in my life, I wouldn’t want to bring someone else into my mess and have them feel responsible for what I decided to do. It doesn’t always have something to do with other people. Sometimes the pain is just… too… much.

I grew up not being comfortable expressing my emotions. Because anytime I would I would be told that I’m so whiney. Or that I need to grow up. Or that boys don’t cry. I would be told that I was supposed to act a certain way. I would be bullied for being a little different.

I didn’t feel comfortable being me.

So I grew up thinking things had to be a certain way. But I always knew that wasn’t right. So I would gravitate to things and people that allowed me to be a little bit more of what I was comfortable being.

I couldn’t have male relationships in my life. Because they were established on the foundation of competition and masculinity. And it wasn’t a place I felt comfortable expressing my emotions. I couldn’t cry to these people. I couldn’t tell them my thoughts and struggles. So I had friendships with mostly females. It was people who let me be me. I was someone they would come to for help and advice and they would open their hearts to me, and occasionally I was able to do the same to them.

But because of this I was also constantly told that I was gay. How infuriating that because you seek comfort in those you can relate to there has to be some ulterior motive behind it? I still struggle with this, but at this point it’s just something I have learned to have to accept because I’m an anomaly and people don’t view the world in the same way that I do.

The second thing that I want you to know about depression is that there is NOT always a trigger that brings it on. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it. And that’s what’s really hard about talking to others about it. Because everyone instinctively wants to know what happened, so they can either try and fix it or try to avoid it. So when someone asks you what’s wrong, and you don’t have a reason for telling them that in that moment your life just totally sucks, you tell them that you are fine. Or things are good. Because it’s easier to lie to others and protect their feelings than to create an awkwardness between you and them because they just don’t understand you.

It’s difficult. I’m trying to get better about expressing my bad days but it’s still hard for others to get it. When I’m having a rough day I will let my wife know and sometimes it will frustrate her because the day has been good, so why would I try and ruin it with depression? And it’s frustrating to me because it’s hard to open myself up and not be able to give those I love a reason why I’m going through something.

I’m fortunate that sometimes people can sense that I’m having an off day and they will just be more present and not make a big deal about it. My wife will play with my hair, or rub my arm to let me know she’s thinking of me. My friends will hug me a little tighter or a little longer. My kids will remind me that they love me.

The third thing I want you to know about depression is that it is not something that just goes away. It’s kind of like an addiction. You aren’t just suddenly depression free. You are in remission. You are a recovering depressive. It’s why when you are prescribed anti-depressants they are typically a lifelong thing. I will always have depression. My therapy will help me work through things that I’ve never been able to deal with. It will give me tools to recognize when depression is creeping in and give me a better chance to fight back. Instead of drowning maybe I will only get in waist deep. My anti-depressants and my therapy are going to help me deal with my traumas.

Earlier I mentioned how depression is bittersweet. I want to touch on that. To me, I find so much comfort in depression. It holds me tighter than anything else in my life ever has. It’s been a constant and a place of solace when the rest of the world gets too overwhelming. It’s something that I know will never leave me. It doesn’t go and do it’s own thing and forgets about me. It waits. It’s always there. Quiet, but with a hand on my shoulder. I’m able to be reminded of my priorities in my seasons of depression. My emotions flood out of me. I finally have conversations with myself on the things I’ve been hiding away. It’s not a safe place by any means, but it’s comforting knowing it will never leave me.

I want to take a minute to briefly discuss trauma. I won’t go into it too much because honestly almost everyone that reads this that I am close with have been responsible for some of the traumas in my life. And working through my traumas are for me and my therapist. I don’t need anything from any of you anymore. I don’t need an apology. I don’t need acknowledgement.

But I want to get something off of my chest about trauma. Because it’s a serious thing.

Trauma is an emotional response to an event that the first feel is significant to THEM. “A traumatized person can feel a range of emotions both immediately after the event and in the long term. They may feel overwhelmed, helpless, shocked, or have difficulty processing their experiences. Trauma can also cause physical symptoms.” There are three types of trauma: acute (This results from a single stressful or dangerous event.), chronic (This results from repeated and prolonged exposure to highly stressful events. Examples include cases of child abuse, bullying, or domestic violence.), and complex (This results from exposure to multiple traumatic events.). I have all of these.

What trauma is NOT is something that SOMEONE ELSE gets to dictate is or is not actually trauma. If it is traumatic to me then it is not okay for you to tell me that it is not that bad, or isn’t what I think it is.

I went through a list of childhood traumas that I remember to my best friends a few weeks ago. And I watched as tears formed in their eyes and could see the heartbreak on their faces. It was in that moment that I realized that things I thought were “normal” weren’t. The same thing happened to my wife. She realized that things that happened to her weren’t okay.

Yes, this includes sexual assaults. Yes, this includes physical and emotional abuse and bullying. Yes, this includes experiences of death and exposure to things kids shouldn’t have to be subjected to.

Yes, to some of you reading this those things are going to be extremely hard for you to read. Because honestly you’re probably not aware of some of them. Why? Because I couldn’t talk about them.

I was/am a victim of circumstance. I’ve been in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was put in situations that to others would be seen as safe, but to someone who was “overly emotional” it was traumatic.

I will work through my past with my therapist. It is not something that I want to work through with any of you. The past is the past and my relationships now are not going to be built on those issues. I don’t want to talk about them with you. Please respect my choices and do not push.

The thing about depression and trauma are that they are unique to the person experiencing them. And they come when you least expect them. The scary thing is also knowing that there are seasons of depression and traumas that will occur in my life in the future that may be worse than anything I’ve experienced so far. That’s what happens when you love so fiercely. You become an easy target to pain and sadness. I know that there is a chance that the people closest to me in my life now could end up being a footnote in my overall story. That they could end up hurting me more than anyone else ever has.

I’m hopeful that therapy will help me resolve the traumas in my life that I wrote off as “normal” so that when these new experiences occur I can address them immediately.

I will be better for me so that not only can I keep being a loving person to others, but I can also be a loving person to myself.

Just some food for thought.

Kyle

Breaking The Cycle

depression, Healing, Jesus, Life, Prayer, Reading, Therapy

This may be another poorly thought out blog today because there are a lot of things I want to discuss but I don’t want to throw it all into one post. So let’s keep it short and sweet and maybe this weekend I’ll dive into some heavier topics.

I know I’ve discussed going to therapy a few times but I can now officially say that I have followed through and made appointments. Beginning February 8th my life changes for the better. It’s time to heal.

In preparation for therapy I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on what things I want to get addressed. So I’ve spent some time in my head and began writing memories and thoughts down that I want to process. I’ll get into some of the things later but for now I just want to talk about how I am seeing myself in my children. And not the few things I do think are good about me but the things that I personally struggle with. Fear, anxiety, thoughts of failure, difficulty with processing and communicating emotions.

I wouldn’t want my worst enemies to have to have the thoughts that go on in my head, let alone my own children. So while they are still young, relatively, how do I get ahead of it?

In order for my children to be better I need to be better for myself.

As much as I dislike the thought of it, my kids look up to me and model their lives after mine.

That’s terrifying.

I’m 32 years old and struggle. People around me seem to think I have everything figured out but if they only knew the things I fight within myself they would be so sad.

I’m such a hypocrite when it comes to my children. I tell them the importance of self love. And of not letting the words of others affect you negatively. But then I will turn around and put myself down or take things personally from people who aren’t even close to us.

So I repeat, in order for my children to be better I need to be better for myself.

So I’m going to break the vicious cycle that I’ve put myself in. I’m going to do the hard work. And if you think dealing with unprocessed traumas and depression is easy? Well… don’t say that to me. That won’t go over too well!

I want to take a quick moment to express my gratitude for those who have been by my side and have been my biggest supporters. I’m not going to keep saying that you have no idea how much it means to me, because I think I can safely say now that you really do. You find beauty in my flaws that I try to hide. You give me love when I don’t have love to give myself. I want to talk soon on what my loved ones have done for me with their words, but I’ll save that for another day. Just know that I am so very grateful to have you in my life.

With all my love,

Kyle

I wanted to start holding myself accountable for some of the things I am trying to work on this year so I’m going to list at the end of each of my posts the things I am completing.

Books read:

  • Forgiving What You Can’t Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again

Currently reading:

  • Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection
  • The Gospel of Matthew

Working on:

  • Therapy begins February 8th.
  • Drinking 1/2 gallon of water daily.
  • Praying more.
  • Communication with my children. If I wouldn’t respond, why would I expect they would?
  • Building my relationship with Jesus. The Meeting House has been fantastic for this and has really felt like the messages have been aimed at me. I miss our church community but I’m really glad to be getting more direct connection with Jesus and the messages that I need to hear.

It’s Not About “Happiness”

Family, friends, God, Healing, Jesus, Life, love

I’m come to realize that I have been self-sabotaging my life for years now. I’ve been a person who dreams big and never feels satisfaction in the victories. And I’ve struggled with understanding why that is.

And after coming out of this last season of depression I think I’ve finally realized what it is.

I’ve been chasing happiness.

Well that’s not so bad, right? Happiness is the key to a successful life, or so I’ve been told.

But it’s not. It’s a lie.

Now before you start thinking I’m crazy, let me explain. It’s another example of expectation versus reality.

I’ve been trying so hard in my life to grab hold of happiness and to never let it go. But you can not live in happiness. You can live in MOMENTS of happiness, but not a constant state of it. If your life was constantly happy it would undervalue the truly special moments.

So what should you be living your life for?

Contentment.

Now, I grew up believing that contentment was a bad word. I don’t think I was raised this way, but I’ve seen and heard others talk about how contentment was settling. That successful people are never content and always strive to be the best. Innovation and advancements come from always doing more. Wanting more. Being more.

That’s… exhausting.

And it only sets you up for a life of failure and disappointment. Because always looking for happiness makes the fall to sadness so much harder than it should be.

If I were to stare up at the night sky and only dream of reaching the stars, I would lose sight of the fact that in that moment I get to be present and enjoy the beauty that comes from them. I will never reach the stars, because it’s unobtainable. But I can be present every single evening and look at those stars and be reminded of where I am. And who I am.

Let me put it another way. Say you were really struggling financially your whole life and your goal was to someday have $1,000,000 in your bank account, even though you’ve never been able to even save $1,000. So you have this big dream. And you work incredibly hard every day. And you change your life and start saving like you’ve never saved before. And let’s say after the first 6 months you finally save $1,000.

You should be ecstatic, right? You’ve never had $1,000 before so that’s a really big deal! You should be so incredibly proud!

But you’re not. You don’t even acknowledge it because you set a goal of $1,000,000. So $1,000 doesn’t even matter.

So you blow right past that and 2 years later you have $10,000. HUGE DEAL!

Right?

It’s not $1,000,000. So who cares?

And you keep doing this for years and years and year. And you’re never satisfied. And then one day you find out you’re dying. And you look back on your life and all you can see is that you never reached your goal.

And you lost sight of all the beauty in the world around you. And all the recognition for the amazing achievements you made along the way.

You were working towards something that was unobtainable. $1,000,000 is a dream for a day that may never come. You decided to work towards something that couldn’t be guaranteed.

You undervalued every other moment in your life for something that you were never going to get.

That’s the thing about happiness. We often think that happiness is that $1,000,000. But it’s not. Happiness was in that $1,000 achievement. It was a moment. And it deserved to be recognized. It deserved to be treated for what it was.

Now take this example and apply it to your own life. Are you happy? As in truly happy.

I hope the answer is no. Unless this a moment that brings you such joy and elation that it is something you will forever cherish.

This is a happy moment for me because I’ve realized that I can start giving value to the moments in my life that truly deserve them.

I want to live a life of contentment with moments of happiness and joy.

Contentment is “a state of satisfaction”. How beautiful is that? To live in a constant state of satisfaction in what you have, who you are and what you do.

Does this mean that you shouldn’t work towards more? Absolutely not. Have dreams and have goals but don’t lose sight of the here and now. Acknowledge the little moments.

Stop stealing value from the things that matter.

Seeing my loved ones are moments of happiness. And if I lived in that moment I would accept it for the special opportunity to be with people that it is.

I get to have this beautiful family. If my goal is just to think about raising them well and to get into a good college and to have a great life I will lose sight of the little moments that matter.

Like my son being sick and coming to me in the middle of the night to make him feel better. Seems silly, right? But it’s not. If I didn’t stop and be in that moment I wouldn’t have realized that it’s an acknowledgement of the changes I’ve made to be more present in my children’s life. He’s finally feeling comfortable to come to me for support and not just to be the parent who works to make the money.

It’s the little moments that matter. Happiness is in the moments, not a constant state. Recognize them.

Are you happy? Or are you a happy person? A good response would be “I am an optimistic person who looks for the moments of happiness.” It grounds me. It pulls me back into this moment. It lets me be present for the ones in my life that need me the most. My “I love you” means more. The hug is special. Your time becomes valuable. Doing life together matters more.

People’s words are taken for face value. And you can accept them and believe them.

And you can start seeing yourself the way other people see you.

If I am honest with myself, if I take the goal of happiness out of the equation then I have lived a content adult life.

And that’s success.

A constant state of happiness is a dream that can only be achieved when we get to leave this world to be with Jesus.

I will be happy one day, but for now I will take pride in the contentment and recognize the moments of happiness that come along.

And I will start seeing myself the way that others see me. And for some of you, that’s a really big deal. Some of you are so special to my life and have changed me and you will never understand the impact you have had. And I’m starting to realize that to some of you I am someone special to you. And that I have changed your life, too. And that is a big deal.

When I stop looking for happiness and start realizing contentment is key the moments of love are truly going to shine bright.

I love you. Please take that for the value I put into it. Let it sit with you a moment.

And I hope reading that was a moment of happiness for you, for letting you know was one for me.

I’m looking forward to this new lens on life. Healing is beautiful.

I want to lie on the the ground with my loved ones – my wife, my children, my best friends, my family – and enjoy the beauty of the night sky together. Not reaching out to try and grab them for myself, but being present with those around me, feeling God’s love and theirs, and storing the moment of happiness in my heart.

Kyle

2021 – The Year of Healing

depression, friendship, Jesus, Life, pain, sadness

To say the last month has been rough would be a major understatement. I’ve been struggling with another massive period of depression, and what has scared me the most about it this time is that I have been on antidepressants for 6 months now which are supposed to help. So there must be some pretty serious things going on to overpower the medication and lead me into a pretty bad depressive state, right?

Yes, and no.

What started it all were untrue stories continuing to grow and be manipulated even further. How is it that something that isn’t even close to being true can be so damaging to your mental state? My past, and a person I no longer want to ever know again, continue to haunt me. I give power to someone who is so incredibly toxic and everyone knows does nothing but lie and manipulate.

And then I thought I lost my best friend, a person that would lift me up even when I was being oblivious to the fact that I needed to be lifted up. Why? Because I made assumptions and put words into other people’s mouths. But Kyle, did you bother to ask what was really being said? Oh, but of course not! So I escalated something and almost ran away from my favorite people.

But I’m glad it happened, because for the first time I was able to prove to myself that I’m not only trying to heal and be a better person, I am actually doing it. I didn’t hurt another person because I was hurting. I didn’t make *too* many emotional decisions. I took a step back and processed and didn’t run away. And I realized I almost lost some of the most important people in my life because they hurt me about something that wasn’t even personal.

I deleted my social media accounts again. Why? Because there’s enough negativity going on in my head that I don’t need to see it all the time I’m bored and randomly pick up my phone. And it’s taking time away from the things that I need to prioritize more.

Therapy is one of my most important focuses for this year. I’ve been doing a lot of research on finding the right therapists and trying to figure out what it is I need. The word trauma gets used so much and it’s not one that I usually think too much about. But, why wouldn’t I? I’ve got some serious depression, and it’s not just being pulled out of nowhere. So what are my traumas?

That’s a really fantastic question.

A really great one.

And I can name off quite a few, but I’m running into an issue. One that I’ve never really put much thought into until I started hearing people tell their own stories.

I can not remember 99.9% of my childhood. And the things I do remember?

Trauma.

And apparently that’s not normal. Most people have core memories that they have. But I don’t. I think about it and it’s just a big empty spot in my memory. It’s very similar to the numbness I went through in 2019. A good chunk of that year is just a big blank space in my mind.

So… I don’t even know how to process things because I have these huge gaps in my mind. Do I just have a poor memory? I don’t think so. I remember a lot of educational things. And I remember a lot of things from about 16 years old on. But before that? Little tiny bits and pieces of things I really don’t want to even remember.

Guess that’s for my therapist to dive into, right?

Anyways, 2021 is going to be my year of healing. I’m going to be completely selfish and put my mental health pretty close to the top of my priority list. I thought my depression only truly affected me, but it turns out when I hurt those I love hurt with me. And some people feel my pain a lot more than I think they do.

So, here are my 2021 goals. I can promise you I will mess up a few times but I will be victorious in the long run. See if you can see my healing in each of these:

Begin therapy.

Drink more water.

Practice recognizing and applying expectations vs. reality.

Pray more.

Stop weighing myself. Do not assign my health and feelings to a number.

Support my kids more, especially in their creative outlets.

Post a blog at least once a week.

Read at least 1 book a month.

Practice restraint on spending money on others. Stop trying to buy people’s love.

Watch at least 1 movie a week with my family with all phones, iPads and gaming devices put away.

Build a treehouse with the kids (if possible).

Build my relationship with Jesus.

No eating out. Period.

Those are the things I want to work on this year. 2020 was the year I started building relationships. I gave my wife her husband back. I found someone who will call me out on my crap and tell me the things I need to hear, not the things I want to hear. I found someone who will pray over me, be a listening ear, shoulder to cry on and hug me tight to keep my pieces from completely falling apart. Now I need to take what these people have shown me and learn to start applying it to myself.

Why?

Because what I am doing is discrediting the love that they are actually giving me. The people in my life could be giving me the very last of what they have to offer that day, sometimes even stealing from their future selves, for me to say “yes, but”. Or to tell them they are lying.

The love these people are giving to me matters. Because they don’t have to be giving it to me. They are giving me a very big part of themselves that others aren’t getting. And that’s huge.

I am ONE of 7.8 BILLION people in this world alive right now. And these people are choosing to give ME a part of themselves.

I need to have enough respect to take it for the value they intended it to be. And to not discount it for my own poor misconceptions.

And I need to start loving myself. I have things that have gone wrong, but I know that things could have been much, much worse. I’m not as bad of a person as I tell myself I am.

I am worth loving. Jesus loves ME. So how can I say I’m not worth loving if I already have the truest love there is?

Love is such a powerful thing. I can say I don’t think people truly understand the love that I have for them. Like, real honest, unconditional love.

Love is what always brings me back out of my depressions. It’s not a lack of sadness, anger or hurt. It’s that all the gaping holes that are left behind from these emotions eating away at my mind I have Jesus there to fill them in, and he’s handed off some shovels to some very special people to help. And He has one for me, too. It’s always been in my hands but I always refuse to do the work. Because I’ve always felt comfort in the emptiness. Comfort in the pain. Comfort in the tears. Because they’ve always been there for me when everything else went away.

But they are lies.

I’m tired of lying to myself.

I’m tired of being tired.

So I’ve got the shovel. And it’s going to take some work because I’ve never done it before but I know it will be worth it to finally have the skills and knowledge to be able to make sure those holes never get as deep as they have been before.

To those who have struggled with reading my posts lately, I’m sorry. If it gives you any perspective on where I get to, take the pain you feel in reading my words and just realize that is only a fraction of what I feel when the depression sets in.

I know this post was very random today but I wanted to fulfill my goal of writing one post a week. I’m going to use this as a way to document my healing. Writing notes from my therapy sessions, or words of encouragement and wisdom from loved ones. But I will also be using it to process through my traumas so I can heal. It’s going to get rough but it will be worth it in the end.

Just please, never ever forget how much I truly love you.

Kyle

What Do You Do?

depression, Life, pain, sadness

What do you do when your good is not good enough?

What do you do when your good is too much?

And so this isn’t goodbye

This is the realization that our souls have been eternally tied;

The moment in time where I vow to always pray for you,

And to wish you the best,

And to love you in all of the ways refused by the rest.

I’m trapped in this place where I don’t know what to do.

What’s changed? To you? Nothing. To me? Everything. To go from finally being comfortable to questioning the things I do or say.

Where do I even belong? When I feel like the clouds are parting and the sun begins to pour in, I’m quickly pushed back into the darkness.

By whom? Me? Or others?

Do I try harder? Retreat? Pretend so everyone is happy?

Yes, probably.

Too much or not enough? Clearly just right was never an option.

Ugh…

Kyle

My Biggest Fear

anger, depression, Life, pain, sadness

My biggest fear is that eventually you will begin to see me the way that I see myself.

Not my quote, but it definitely hits home.

Today I am just going to share some things that I have found that have put into words the things I’m going through.

I have a bad habit of isolating when I am sad or depressed. Part of it is cause I don’t want to drain the happiness of those around me or burden them with my problems. Another part is because my mental state is fragile and I don’t need anymore negativity to make me feel worse than I already do.

I’ve been learning the value of not placing the people I love on a pedestal. It robs us both of our objectivity. And the inevitable fall from grace leaves me shattered every time.

This is not something you just logically understand and flip a switch. You get hurt and it takes work to come out of. But when that depression, that hurt, and that anger, that whole f*ing thing goes so deep that you can’t even feel your own body anymore. I read books and I tried to understand why this happened. I go to therapy, I meditate, I try to do good things, and I tell my parents I love them and I swallow it even when I don’t want to.

In every relationship I am too much.

Too much love to give.

Too many feelings shared.

But I don’t know how to close off a heart that needs love to feel alive.

I don’t know how to hold myself back from giving.

Even if it leaves me empty.

Shelby Leigh

I started making my list of things I want to work on in this upcoming year. Practicing expectations vs. reality was one of them. I need to stop expecting things from others. I need to stop assuming that others will love me in the same way that I love them.

I also need to learn that I need to stop thinking I need to change if people don’t accept me for loving the way that I love. If others don’t like that I love deeply then that’s a reflection of them, not me. I’ve hid myself away from this world for a long time and I’m getting tired of being pushed back into the shadows.

I’m honestly looking forward to starting therapy soon. My traumas have officially outgrown my fears. I’m starting to see some of my problems reflected in my children. I need to be the best role model I can be to them and normalize therapy and let them know that it’s more than okay, it’s often a necessity.

I need people to understand that this blog is now my safe place for processing. I do not need anyone to try and “fix” me or my problems. I do not need others to take offense to the things I say. These are my thoughts and my feelings. They are me, not you. Regardless of if you may be partially responsible for some of my traumas or not, I don’t need any sort of acknowledgement, apologies or justifications. I post here because I can speak without anyone responding. This is a place for my thoughts to go, unfiltered. If things are hard for you to see I ask that you please just unfollow my page. I need this to be a safe place for me without fear of judgement or abandonment.

Kyle

Expectations vs. Reality – Taking Responsibility For My Own Pain

depression, Life, pain, sadness

Until I can get into therapy I need this to be my safe place . I’ve lost too many of those and I need something that I can go back to and know will still be there. My own words aren’t going anywhere. My own words can be extremely damaging, but they remain as long as I let them.


I was recently told something that was pretty insightful. I am responsible for my own pain and sadness. It’s a simple matter of expectation versus reality.

Let me try to explain.

I absolutely dread my birthday. Every year I get anxiety leading up to the day and typically end it with sliding into depression. Why? Because I put false expectations on people that don’t even know that I’ve done it. I tell myself that despite what has happened historically that all of a sudden people are going to care about me. I mean Facebook even has a notification to let people know! But do you know what happens? I don’t hear from people. I’ve gone years of not being told Happy Birthday from my siblings. My own dad has even forgotten my birthday before. I hate birthdays. A day that should be a moment of happiness is typically one of my saddest days of the year. Every year.

But it’s my own fault. Honestly. If I had no expectations and I went into it knowing that it’s just another day then I wouldn’t be so disappointed.

Same with gifts. I’m fantastic at giving gifts. Why? Because I never want people to feel the way I do about getting them. I have this false expectations in my mind that people really “know” me and that they will be able to get me something that just is, well, me. And it doesn’t happen. I usually end up pretty disappointed in gifts I get so I prefer to just tell people that I don’t want anything at all.


Side note on gift giving, I give too much and I really need to stop doing that. I need to stop trying to “buy” people’s love. One, I spend a stupid amount of money on others. Honestly you really don’t want to know the extent of that. Two, it makes people feel bad when I do that for them. Shame on me for not thinking of others when thinking of others. As sarcastic as that sounds I’m being completely serious. I’ve always given anonymously because I didn’t want people to know the things I did. Because I don’t want recognition for things. I’m an extra in a movie scene. I’m there, but unless you’re really looking, and usually no one is, you won’t see me. But people told me to start letting it be known when I do things and now I get comments about people thinking I’m better than them, or that I’m pretentious, or that I’m doing more than they could do themselves. And I get hurt for doing things for others. That’s stupid.


Anyways, back to the gift giving. It’s my fault for thinking people really know me. So instead I just tell people things that I would normally get for myself. It’s easier for them. It’s fine that people don’t really know me. And the reason I’m writing today is because people still don’t know me.

I put expectations on relationships, especially friendships. And that’s why every single one of my friendships have failed. Instead of just going into them and letting them be what they are, I try way too hard and end up ruining things. Or crossing boundaries. That’s a big one for me. I love way too much. And in turn I get hurt. I get extremely hurt. I’m not anyone special so why do I always think things will be different?


I sent a text to my doctor yesterday and asked for a change to my antidepressant medication and he called an emergency prescription in for me first thing this morning. I’m grateful for that.


I’m not okay. At all. I’ve been hurting for awhile and yesterday the last of the light fell behind the clouds and the world went dark…

And what’s so difficult for me is that my life has been great lately. I can’t pinpoint what the triggers are. I don’t understand why my emotions take over and take me to a place that I hate.

I am in pain. Every day. Every day I remember more and more of the traumas in my life and I remember the things I’ve said that have hurt so many people. And I start to tell myself more every day that I’m not someone worth loving. If I were then why would so many people want to see me hurt?

But I’m already fighting back. I haven’t missed a day of medication since I got put back on them. And I’m still losing. It makes me feel like a terrible person, a terrible husband, a terrible father, a terrible son, a terrible brother, a terrible friend. Because my pain and hurting makes them feel like they aren’t good enough. And then my depression just gets worse.


I recently switched jobs and haven’t had insurance for a few months. Once I get it back it’s time to finally talk to a therapist. I’m not going to others for emotional support anymore. It’s too much for some people and others don’t know how to even be there when I need them. So I release you from your burdens of worrying about me. I will not be your problem any longer.

For now, this will be my safe place. I need somewhere to let these things out. I have traumas in my life that have lead me to be where I am now. And I’m realizing that last year was one of the worst years of my life, but it wasn’t completely my fault. I have a lot of things that I need to work through. It’s difficult because some of the people who read my blog have been responsible for my sadness, pain, loneliness and hurt. The hurt is what is the worst.


I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m getting so tired, emotionally and mentally, of being the person who makes others uncomfortable. That’s legitimately one of the hardest words for me to hear because of all the traumas I’ve been through. All I want to do is love others but I even do that wrong. All it makes me want to do is retreat into a shell and never let anyone see me again.

I stopped letting people in for a reason. Shame on me. I bring it upon myself.


I haven’t been able to sleep well for months now. I struggle to fall asleep and I usually end of waking up restless in the middle of the night. I just want to sleep. I just need to sleep.

I’m not okay. But I’m not going to burden others with it. This will be my safe place until I start paying someone to be my safe place in a month or so.

Right now I just need some time before I make stupid emotional decisions. I’m a very fragile person and right now I feel like I’ve just been kicked around a lot and that I’m very alone.

Kyle

Listen to: Ludovico Einaudi by Nuvole Bianche