“The landscape is littered with the broken hearts of the too little too late.”
Every day the sun is going to rise, and every day the sun is going to set. It’s so natural and common that we know the exact moment for each occurrence at any given time, on any day.
We know this will occur regardless of what happened the day before, so we often take advantage of it.
But each new sunrise comes with new opportunities. It comes with options. It comes with hard decisions. It comes with decisions that will impact the rest of your day, maybe the rest of your life.
Some days that choice is simply getting out of bed.
Some days that choice is whether you want to eat breakfast.
But every day is choosing how you want to best spend those few moments of your life that bring you love, joy, and comfort.
Every day is a new beginning. You made it through another hard day. You made it through the crying. You made it through the pain. You made it even through the happiness.
And the choices of your past have no bearing on the decisions for today.
“I was angry yesterday, so should I carry that into this new day and start on that foot?”
“Yesterday was a good day, so should I sit back more today and not put in as much effort?”
Yesterday does not tell you how today will be.
The past is the past for a reason. Does that mean you should forgive and forget? Absolutely not. Being hurt in the past will make you weary of another broken heart.
But you have a choice every single day to say “I know today was hard, but what happened yesterday will help me grow today.”
Every morning I wake up before my alarms go off and I lay in bed or on the couch and think of the choices I want to make for the day.
And every day I choose you. Every day I choose our family. Every day I choose to love with all of my heart.
I’m all in.
With everything that I have.
My decision for today is to do the things that will help you to see me as a new person, and not remind you of our past.
Because I want to be in a relationship with you where the past doesn’t make you scared for the future.
I want you to see me and see the person that I am becoming.
I want you to see a future where you feel safe. To come to me for anything.
I want you to see the life we could have together. Not the you and me from before, but the beautiful life of two people who knew each other at their worst, learned and healed from their past wounds, and grew into loving souls who come together to be the best versions of themselves.
I will never be the best version of myself, because I will always be working to be better for me, and for you.
And because the best version of myself is with me by your side.
It’s the only life I can see in the future. And oh my heart. I see so much love between us. Where you and I show up for each other in all the ways we didn’t before. Where I can read your body language and know the things you need. And you looking at me every chance you can and smiling because you know how incredibly loved I make you feel.
I see a future where we continue our coffee dates every week, regardless of how busy our lives get because it is time that we cherish. Where the baristas know our names, and they know our orders. And they whisper to one another “that’s the kind of love I am looking for.”
I see a future where we meet for lunch during the weeks. I see a future where dates are not scheduled months in advance, but are spontaneous and frequent because we both want to be out and with one another.
I see a future where we attend events and get togethers and we are both social, making new friendships along the way.
I see a future where we both have shared interests, but we also have our own unique interests and hobbies that the other does not enjoy, but we want them to do those things for themselves because we respect one another and trust that both of us can have lives outside of our marriage.
I see a future where we look each other in the eyes and can not look away because of how deeply we have fallen into the other person.
I see a future where I tell you that you look beautiful, and gorgeous, and that you smell amazing, and that I like your hair the way you did it today, and that your makeup looks “chef’s kiss”. And you hear those words and are instantly filled with happiness and joy, and most importantly love.
I see a future where even when things are better we go to marriage counseling throughout the year because we want to make sure our marriage only grows, and that we are always fighting for each other. To learn new ways of communicating and to ensure we are not letting small things become big ones.
I see a future where I kiss you throughout the day. Not just before bed, not just when one of us is leaving. But the little moments throughout the day. When I come up behind you while you are cooking and I hug you tight from behind and whisper I love you, before you turn around and our eyes meet and our lips touch.
I see a future where we know we have comfort in other ways of our life, but we choose to find comfort in one another.
I see a future where we take spontaneous weekend trips. And we talk about grand trips that when given the opportunity we will take without a concern in the world.
I see a future where both of our anxieties are calmed when we are with one another, or when we talk to each other.
I see a future where our pasts no longer dictate our futures.
I see a future where I am your second choice, and you are mine, because we first choose ourselves. And in doing so we also choose one another.
I woke up today earlier than I needed to. I wrote your good morning text way before I sent it because I didn’t want you to be concerned about my sleep. My first choice for the day was to be a better version of myself today than I was yesterday. And what does that mean?
Still thinking of you the first thing in the morning. Still texting you every day.
But my choice today is different than yesterday.
Today, I’m not fighting for you.
Today I decided that fighting for you feels to both of us like I am wanting our past.
No, today I am showing up to work for the future. I am going to do all things with love. And I am going to be better than I was yesterday so that future that I can see so clearly above begins to play in your mind.
Today I am not going to argue the past. Because we can’t keep telling one another that the past doesn’t matter but continue to live there.
Today I am making a choice to use the pain and hurt I have now to water my own garden. I am going to heal so when you need me, even in the smallest moments, I can show up for you with everything that I have.
You can’t see a future with me because I’m still reminding you of the past.
Today I’ve processed that it is too late. But that’s okay, because if I would have shown up earlier I wouldn’t be so aware of the changes that I am needing to make now to give you the best version of me. If I would have shown up before you still would be wary of communicating with me. You still would not feel safe all the time coming to me. If I would have shown up before things wouldn’t all be about me, but a lot of things still would be.
I’m glad that it’s too late for that life. This new version of you where you can tell me things that are on your mind, you can express your wants and needs and desires, is a version of you that I have wanted from you for so long. And it’s a version of you that I find so incredibly attractive.
Today is a new day, and it’s too late for yesterday, but it’s just the beginning of the rest of our lives.
I hope each day when you are making your decisions for the day a little more of the new me begins to make its way into your mind, and into your heart, and that it pushes out the old version that is dead and can never return.
I hope someday you wake up in the morning and make a decision that today is the day that we try this new relationship, with this new version of me, that is going to give you a life better than any the old me could have given you.
Today I choose to be better than yesterday, with you here with me as long as that will last.
It’s a new day. The sun has now come up.
What are you choosing to work for today?