Getting Lost In The “Comfort”

I’ve obviously been processing a lot of things lately, but one of the things that I keep coming back to is that for the last few years I got lost in the comfort.

Now I need to explain what “comfort” means. Because I was still in pain, I was still dealing with depression, and I was still angry.

But the comfort came in avoiding the issues.

And let me tell you, in retrospect the comfort was bullshit. Everyone was walking on eggshells because I did not provide a safe place for them to be themselves. The stresses of my day would come home with me and I would not allow room for others to be open around me. “Daddy’s stressed and I really just want to rest for a bit.” “Give me a minute and I will get to it.” “We’ll see….”

I was so worried about providing for my family financially, and to be “successful” in order to be seen, that I stopped putting in the work that needed to be done for my marriage and for my relationship with my children.

For me, I thought that comfort meant that you have reached your goal and you no longer have to keep working so hard.

And I stopped fucking working at the most important things in my life.

My wife needed me. My children needed me.

Let’s be real, it shouldn’t have taken this to get me to finally wake up. I know that.

You ask me why when you talked to me in the past why I didn’t change. I’ve tried to process through this and come up with an answer, but I don’t want to make excuses for things that are inexcusable. I’m taking fucking accountability.

I can not change the past. I wish I could so damn much, but I can’t.

What I can do is make sure that my kids never feel like they can’t be themselves around me. I can make sure that you have a partner in everything. I can make sure that I am trusted and my word is good.

I laid in bed last night crying, and for the first night in weeks it wasn’t because I couldn’t be with you.

It was because our oldest daughter finally felt safe in telling me things. Not surface level bullshit, but deep, important things.

I know the world is waiting for me to go back to the way I used to be, but I will never be that person again.

And it’s only been 3 weeks. I could just be doing this all out of fear, right? And I’m just putting on a mask because I’m trying to make everything right just so I can go back to how things you used to be?

I can’t. I can not be that person again. That person is dead.

I see the joy on our children’s faces when I take them out on dates. I see the love when they put their phones down and watch TV with me for hours. I see them allowing me in to their lives and sharing secrets with me. I see how they hug me a little longer, and a little tighter.

I’ve asked them if they’ve seen any changes, and they tell me that I’m kinder, and gentle, and present.

I’m not “trying”. This is me.

And it hasn’t been “work” for me. This feels so natural and it’s all things that I look forward to doing on a daily basis.

I find joy in doing more and being more involved. I look forward to waking up early and making my family breakfast. I love being able to take our children to their appointments. Talking to our kids has been one of my favorite parts of the day.

Communicating to you with raw, vulnerable emotions has been so amazing.

The problem with everything right now is that I feel like I need to be perfect. But perfection is bullshit and that’s not what anyone wants in a partner. They want someone who is going to call them out on their shit and tell them how they are really feeling.

I’m not used to you doing that, so when things come up I think I’m doing something wrong.

And I do some things wrong. I’ve done and do stupid shit, but I’m not stupid.

But right now I’m doing so much right. Of course I’m going to have bumps along the way, but I have to give myself grace.

In a matter of 3 weeks I’ve somehow become a person that I am proud of. I’m the father I always dreamed of being, but failed to actually work for. I’m a partner in our parenting, jumping in and taking care of things as they come up. I’m proud of contributing to the household in the ways that matter – making it a home. Making it a safe place to be.

I’m proud that my children can finally come to me and tell me hard things.

I’m proud that instead of blaming or making excuses, I am taking accountability.

I’m proud that I’ve learned how to communicate. I’m proud that I’ve learned to be vulnerable.

I’m proud that I’ve learned to be patient. I’m proud that I’ve learned to process and work through hard things.

I’m proud that I’m showing up every damn day.

I’m not here to fix anything. You do not need fixed. You are right, you are not broken and you never have been. I do not need fixed because I am not broken. I don’t want the life we had before. I have things that I need to work through with therapy, and I’m already addressing the things that are most important to me.

I’m rebuilding relationships.

I know what it is that I want. I want my children. I want my home. I want the people around me to be safe and happy. But most importantly, I want you.

3 fucking weeks and look at the man I have become. And the kids tell me they see me being better every day.

I look forward to each new week, because it’s a new opportunity for me to keep proving to my family that the old me is gone. The shoe isn’t going to drop. I can be trusted. My word is good.

I’m never going to get lost in the comfort again. I’m going to show up every damn day of my life and show my loved ones how loved they are.

There’s no changing the past. There’s nothing to “fix”. Neither of us want the bullshit life we had before where we couldn’t even tell one another what was on our mind.

I want to start over. I want to be your friend. I want to become your best friend. I want to become the person you want to tell everything to. I want to date you like we never had the opportunity to do before. I want to get you to fall in love with me. Not the bullshit teenage love, but the intimate, deep, passionate kind of love where we are great when we are apart but amazing when we come together.

So for now, I will show up in all the ways I am able to. As the father of our children need. As the partner you need. And as the man I always should have been.

One day at a time.

I pray that we grow old and get to be grandparents together someday. But for now, I’m staying present because that’s where I need to be and now is the only thing I can work on. So I look forward to our weekly coffee meetings and getting the chance to look deep into your eyes and having meaningful, honest, vulnerable conversations.

I see what’s in front of me. I see everything that is around me. And that’s what I want.

I’m not changing out of fear. I’m changing out of love.

With a heart full of love there is no room for gaslighting or manipulation. It’s just love, and I have so incredibly much to give.