Breaking The Cycle

This may be another poorly thought out blog today because there are a lot of things I want to discuss but I don’t want to throw it all into one post. So let’s keep it short and sweet and maybe this weekend I’ll dive into some heavier topics.

I know I’ve discussed going to therapy a few times but I can now officially say that I have followed through and made appointments. Beginning February 8th my life changes for the better. It’s time to heal.

In preparation for therapy I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on what things I want to get addressed. So I’ve spent some time in my head and began writing memories and thoughts down that I want to process. I’ll get into some of the things later but for now I just want to talk about how I am seeing myself in my children. And not the few things I do think are good about me but the things that I personally struggle with. Fear, anxiety, thoughts of failure, difficulty with processing and communicating emotions.

I wouldn’t want my worst enemies to have to have the thoughts that go on in my head, let alone my own children. So while they are still young, relatively, how do I get ahead of it?

In order for my children to be better I need to be better for myself.

As much as I dislike the thought of it, my kids look up to me and model their lives after mine.

That’s terrifying.

I’m 32 years old and struggle. People around me seem to think I have everything figured out but if they only knew the things I fight within myself they would be so sad.

I’m such a hypocrite when it comes to my children. I tell them the importance of self love. And of not letting the words of others affect you negatively. But then I will turn around and put myself down or take things personally from people who aren’t even close to us.

So I repeat, in order for my children to be better I need to be better for myself.

So I’m going to break the vicious cycle that I’ve put myself in. I’m going to do the hard work. And if you think dealing with unprocessed traumas and depression is easy? Well… don’t say that to me. That won’t go over too well!

I want to take a quick moment to express my gratitude for those who have been by my side and have been my biggest supporters. I’m not going to keep saying that you have no idea how much it means to me, because I think I can safely say now that you really do. You find beauty in my flaws that I try to hide. You give me love when I don’t have love to give myself. I want to talk soon on what my loved ones have done for me with their words, but I’ll save that for another day. Just know that I am so very grateful to have you in my life.

With all my love,

Kyle

I wanted to start holding myself accountable for some of the things I am trying to work on this year so I’m going to list at the end of each of my posts the things I am completing.

Books read:

• Forgiving What You Can’t Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again

Currently reading:

• Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection

• The Gospel of Matthew

Working on:

• Therapy begins February 8th.

• Drinking 1/2 gallon of water daily.

• Praying more.

• Communication with my children. If I wouldn’t respond, why would I expect they would?

• Building my relationship with Jesus. The Meeting House has been fantastic for this and has really felt like the messages have been aimed at me. I miss our church community but I’m really glad to be getting more direct connection with Jesus and the messages that I need to hear.

It’s Not About “Happiness”

I’m come to realize that I have been self-sabotaging my life for years now. I’ve been a person who dreams big and never feels satisfaction in the victories. And I’ve struggled with understanding why that is.

And after coming out of this last season of depression I think I’ve finally realized what it is.

I’ve been chasing happiness.

Well that’s not so bad, right? Happiness is the key to a successful life, or so I’ve been told.

But it’s not. It’s a lie.

Now before you start thinking I’m crazy, let me explain. It’s another example of expectation versus reality.

I’ve been trying so hard in my life to grab hold of happiness and to never let it go. But you can not live in happiness. You can live in MOMENTS of happiness, but not a constant state of it. If your life was constantly happy it would undervalue the truly special moments.

So what should you be living your life for?

Contentment.

Now, I grew up believing that contentment was a bad word. I don’t think I was raised this way, but I’ve seen and heard others talk about how contentment was settling. That successful people are never content and always strive to be the best. Innovation and advancements come from always doing more. Wanting more. Being more.

That’s… exhausting.

And it only sets you up for a life of failure and disappointment. Because always looking for happiness makes the fall to sadness so much harder than it should be.

If I were to stare up at the night sky and only dream of reaching the stars, I would lose sight of the fact that in that moment I get to be present and enjoy the beauty that comes from them. I will never reach the stars, because it’s unobtainable. But I can be present every single evening and look at those stars and be reminded of where I am. And who I am.

Let me put it another way. Say you were really struggling financially your whole life and your goal was to someday have $1,000,000 in your bank account, even though you’ve never been able to even save $1,000. So you have this big dream. And you work incredibly hard every day. And you change your life and start saving like you’ve never saved before. And let’s say after the first 6 months you finally save $1,000.

You should be ecstatic, right? You’ve never had $1,000 before so that’s a really big deal! You should be so incredibly proud!

But you’re not. You don’t even acknowledge it because you set a goal of $1,000,000. So $1,000 doesn’t even matter.

So you blow right past that and 2 years later you have $10,000. HUGE DEAL!

Right?

It’s not $1,000,000. So who cares?

And you keep doing this for years and years and year. And you’re never satisfied. And then one day you find out you’re dying. And you look back on your life and all you can see is that you never reached your goal.

And you lost sight of all the beauty in the world around you. And all the recognition for the amazing achievements you made along the way.

You were working towards something that was unobtainable. $1,000,000 is a dream for a day that may never come. You decided to work towards something that couldn’t be guaranteed.

You undervalued every other moment in your life for something that you were never going to get.

That’s the thing about happiness. We often think that happiness is that $1,000,000. But it’s not. Happiness was in that $1,000 achievement. It was a moment. And it deserved to be recognized. It deserved to be treated for what it was.

Now take this example and apply it to your own life. Are you happy? As in truly happy.

I hope the answer is no. Unless this a moment that brings you such joy and elation that it is something you will forever cherish.

This is a happy moment for me because I’ve realized that I can start giving value to the moments in my life that truly deserve them.

I want to live a life of contentment with moments of happiness and joy.

Contentment is “a state of satisfaction”. How beautiful is that? To live in a constant state of satisfaction in what you have, who you are and what you do.

Does this mean that you shouldn’t work towards more? Absolutely not. Have dreams and have goals but don’t lose sight of the here and now. Acknowledge the little moments.

Stop stealing value from the things that matter.

Seeing my loved ones are moments of happiness. And if I lived in that moment I would accept it for the special opportunity to be with people that it is.

I get to have this beautiful family. If my goal is just to think about raising them well and to get into a good college and to have a great life I will lose sight of the little moments that matter.

Like my son being sick and coming to me in the middle of the night to make him feel better. Seems silly, right? But it’s not. If I didn’t stop and be in that moment I wouldn’t have realized that it’s an acknowledgement of the changes I’ve made to be more present in my children’s life. He’s finally feeling comfortable to come to me for support and not just to be the parent who works to make the money.

It’s the little moments that matter. Happiness is in the moments, not a constant state. Recognize them.

Are you happy? Or are you a happy person? A good response would be “I am an optimistic person who looks for the moments of happiness.” It grounds me. It pulls me back into this moment. It lets me be present for the ones in my life that need me the most. My “I love you” means more. The hug is special. Your time becomes valuable. Doing life together matters more.

People’s words are taken for face value. And you can accept them and believe them.

And you can start seeing yourself the way other people see you.

If I am honest with myself, if I take the goal of happiness out of the equation then I have lived a content adult life.

And that’s success.

A constant state of happiness is a dream that can only be achieved when we get to leave this world to be with Jesus.

I will be happy one day, but for now I will take pride in the contentment and recognize the moments of happiness that come along.

And I will start seeing myself the way that others see me. And for some of you, that’s a really big deal. Some of you are so special to my life and have changed me and you will never understand the impact you have had. And I’m starting to realize that to some of you I am someone special to you. And that I have changed your life, too. And that is a big deal.

When I stop looking for happiness and start realizing contentment is key the moments of love are truly going to shine bright.

I love you. Please take that for the value I put into it. Let it sit with you a moment.

And I hope reading that was a moment of happiness for you, for letting you know was one for me.

I’m looking forward to this new lens on life. Healing is beautiful.

I want to lie on the the ground with my loved ones – my wife, my children, my best friends, my family – and enjoy the beauty of the night sky together. Not reaching out to try and grab them for myself, but being present with those around me, feeling God’s love and theirs, and storing the moment of happiness in my heart.

Kyle

2021 – The Year of Healing

To say the last month has been rough would be a major understatement. I’ve been struggling with another massive period of depression, and what has scared me the most about it this time is that I have been on antidepressants for 6 months now which are supposed to help. So there must be some pretty serious things going on to overpower the medication and lead me into a pretty bad depressive state, right?

Yes, and no.

What started it all were untrue stories continuing to grow and be manipulated even further. How is it that something that isn’t even close to being true can be so damaging to your mental state? My past, and a person I no longer want to ever know again, continue to haunt me. I give power to someone who is so incredibly toxic and everyone knows does nothing but lie and manipulate.

And then I thought I lost my best friend, a person that would lift me up even when I was being oblivious to the fact that I needed to be lifted up. Why? Because I made assumptions and put words into other people’s mouths. But Kyle, did you bother to ask what was really being said? Oh, but of course not! So I escalated something and almost ran away from my favorite people.

But I’m glad it happened, because for the first time I was able to prove to myself that I’m not only trying to heal and be a better person, I am actually doing it. I didn’t hurt another person because I was hurting. I didn’t make *too* many emotional decisions. I took a step back and processed and didn’t run away. And I realized I almost lost some of the most important people in my life because they hurt me about something that wasn’t even personal.

I deleted my social media accounts again. Why? Because there’s enough negativity going on in my head that I don’t need to see it all the time I’m bored and randomly pick up my phone. And it’s taking time away from the things that I need to prioritize more.

Therapy is one of my most important focuses for this year. I’ve been doing a lot of research on finding the right therapists and trying to figure out what it is I need. The word trauma gets used so much and it’s not one that I usually think too much about. But, why wouldn’t I? I’ve got some serious depression, and it’s not just being pulled out of nowhere. So what are my traumas?

That’s a really fantastic question.

A really great one.

And I can name off quite a few, but I’m running into an issue. One that I’ve never really put much thought into until I started hearing people tell their own stories.

I can not remember 99.9% of my childhood. And the things I do remember?

Trauma.

And apparently that’s not normal. Most people have core memories that they have. But I don’t. I think about it and it’s just a big empty spot in my memory. It’s very similar to the numbness I went through in 2019. A good chunk of that year is just a big blank space in my mind.

So… I don’t even know how to process things because I have these huge gaps in my mind. Do I just have a poor memory? I don’t think so. I remember a lot of educational things. And I remember a lot of things from about 16 years old on. But before that? Little tiny bits and pieces of things I really don’t want to even remember.

Guess that’s for my therapist to dive into, right?

Anyways, 2021 is going to be my year of healing. I’m going to be completely selfish and put my mental health pretty close to the top of my priority list. I thought my depression only truly affected me, but it turns out when I hurt those I love hurt with me. And some people feel my pain a lot more than I think they do.

So, here are my 2021 goals. I can promise you I will mess up a few times but I will be victorious in the long run. See if you can see my healing in each of these:

Begin therapy.

Drink more water.

Practice recognizing and applying expectations vs. reality.

Pray more.

Stop weighing myself. Do not assign my health and feelings to a number.

Support my kids more, especially in their creative outlets.

Post a blog at least once a week.

Read at least 1 book a month.

Practice restraint on spending money on others. Stop trying to buy people’s love.

Watch at least 1 movie a week with my family with all phones, iPads and gaming devices put away.

Build a treehouse with the kids (if possible).

Build my relationship with Jesus.

No eating out. Period.

Those are the things I want to work on this year. 2020 was the year I started building relationships. I gave my wife her husband back. I found someone who will call me out on my crap and tell me the things I need to hear, not the things I want to hear. I found someone who will pray over me, be a listening ear, shoulder to cry on and hug me tight to keep my pieces from completely falling apart. Now I need to take what these people have shown me and learn to start applying it to myself.

Why?

Because what I am doing is discrediting the love that they are actually giving me. The people in my life could be giving me the very last of what they have to offer that day, sometimes even stealing from their future selves, for me to say “yes, but”. Or to tell them they are lying.

The love these people are giving to me matters. Because they don’t have to be giving it to me. They are giving me a very big part of themselves that others aren’t getting. And that’s huge.

I am ONE of 7.8 BILLION people in this world alive right now. And these people are choosing to give ME a part of themselves.

I need to have enough respect to take it for the value they intended it to be. And to not discount it for my own poor misconceptions.

And I need to start loving myself. I have things that have gone wrong, but I know that things could have been much, much worse. I’m not as bad of a person as I tell myself I am.

I am worth loving. Jesus loves ME. So how can I say I’m not worth loving if I already have the truest love there is?

Love is such a powerful thing. I can say I don’t think people truly understand the love that I have for them. Like, real honest, unconditional love.

Love is what always brings me back out of my depressions. It’s not a lack of sadness, anger or hurt. It’s that all the gaping holes that are left behind from these emotions eating away at my mind I have Jesus there to fill them in, and he’s handed off some shovels to some very special people to help. And He has one for me, too. It’s always been in my hands but I always refuse to do the work. Because I’ve always felt comfort in the emptiness. Comfort in the pain. Comfort in the tears. Because they’ve always been there for me when everything else went away.

But they are lies.

I’m tired of lying to myself.

I’m tired of being tired.

So I’ve got the shovel. And it’s going to take some work because I’ve never done it before but I know it will be worth it to finally have the skills and knowledge to be able to make sure those holes never get as deep as they have been before.

To those who have struggled with reading my posts lately, I’m sorry. If it gives you any perspective on where I get to, take the pain you feel in reading my words and just realize that is only a fraction of what I feel when the depression sets in.

I know this post was very random today but I wanted to fulfill my goal of writing one post a week. I’m going to use this as a way to document my healing. Writing notes from my therapy sessions, or words of encouragement and wisdom from loved ones. But I will also be using it to process through my traumas so I can heal. It’s going to get rough but it will be worth it in the end.

Just please, never ever forget how much I truly love you.

Kyle