How the Love of Two People Saved My Life

Little bit of a dramatic way to start a post, right?

Hardly, especially once you truly understand how things have completely changed for me over the last 6 months.

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This post is going to be all about Josh and Stacy. Two of the best, most sincere, beautiful people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. This post isn’t going to be about my wife or kids (that’s in the drafts for another day…).

Fair warning before I jump right into this, you’re walking into an emotional post. It’s going to get pretty sappy. I’ve cried. A lot. You might, too. We can ugly cry together. Let’s make this a bonding experience. I tried to break up all the sentiment with moments of humor throughout.

This has been in my drafts for weeks because I keep adding to it before I get around to hitting the publish button. It’s a long one, and honestly I could keep adding to it with each passing day. But at some point it’s got to get posted. The point of this post is to share with everyone how much of a difference a simple act of kindness and generosity can so significantly change another person’s world. I’m not trying to make anyone cry. I’m not trying to brag. I’m not trying to make you feel like your life would be better if you knew these two people (although, let’s be real, it absolutely would be).

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In the past I’ve been pretty open about my periods of depression (see here…). I’ve dealt with anxiety, depression, panic attacks, sadness, etc., but I’ve never been truly lost. I couldn’t always process my way out of my feelings, but I always had a sense of self-awareness. For 31 years, that is until last year happened.

So there I was just making my way through life, lost, running on auto-pilot for most of the year.

Just some background. I’ve “known” Josh for about 3 years. He was Maddi’s cross country coach. Maddi would always have stories about him. How he would run practice really hard. How she preferred when one of the other coaches were training them for the day because he never took it easy on them. He pushed her. Every day. And cross country is the one thing she’s never quit. And I know it’s because he instilled the confidence in her she needed and pushed her to be better and to love something she was good at.

And then he became her teacher. And we heard stories about how “scary” he was. He was passionate about what he was teaching. Breaking rulers on the first day of class to “intimidate” his students. And then she would tell stories about his dad jokes. And she would talk about how her and her friends would spend their lunch working through life with his assistance.

I just assumed that it was just a silly school crush Maddi had on her teacher. Let’s be honest, we all went through that. But Maddi doesn’t really let many people in. She likes to keep to herself. This was someone she trusted and felt safe around.

And then my youngest, Benny, started kindergarten and was in the same class as Josh’ son. And they instantly became best friends. All Benny talked about was his new friend. All. The. Time. It was the cutest thing. For anyone who knows how far Benny has come (see here…) you will understand how amazing it was to see him take to someone socially so quickly. I didn’t know who this kid was, but I loved him for the change he was making in my own son’s life.

The boys would schedule their own play dates and my wife would coordinate everything with Stacy, who I really didn’t know at the time. I was just starting to let my guard down to Josh a little out of sheer respect for the impact he was making on Maddi’s life.

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So this brings us to around August of this past year, where I was just floating through life. Benny was having his birthday party and really wanted his best friend to be there. The boys had had a few play dates at that point and the adults had often said over the prior few months that we should all just get together. It’s something you just instinctively say to be polite, right? “Let’s catch up sometime.” “It would be great to have you over for dinner.” So, we decided to invite their entire family for the birthday party.

That day changed everything.

Stacy and Allissa just clicked. They connected immediately. If you ask anyone who was at that party, they all assumed that those two had known each other for years. They had so much to talk about. I was still in a weird place where I was trying to be someone I wasn’t, but I think Josh saw that and he just made himself part of the party. Maybe he saw something I didn’t see at the time. Maybe he saw me screaming out for help. Maybe he just thought I was an alright person?

At the end of that day I told Allissa we needed to follow through and actually get together with them. These were genuinely nice people, like the ones we met in Ireland. You just don’t find that kind of kindness here. Or at least that’s what I told myself.

We would see them during cross country season, and Allissa and Stacy would get to know each other during the meets whenever she was there and I slowly started to get to know Stacy a bit. We didn’t actually schedule anything for about 2 months until we ran into each other for the school Trunk or Treating. We finally said enough was enough and made plans.

Our families got together for dinner for the first time a week later and immediately the kids were overjoyed. They ran off and the adults didn’t exist from that point on. Me being me, I was awkward. Of course. I was still in this mind set of staying guarded to protect myself. Because “everyone will hurt me”.

It went well, though. We played games together, we ate dinner, and we started to pull back my shell just a little.

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Things escalated very quickly from that point. Next thing I know we are trick-or-treating together on Halloween. Dinners happened every few weeks or so. The kids were so excited and I was finally starting to realize that I could open myself up to these people. They made me want to by the way they accepted us.

And then we were invited to their New Years Eve party with their closest college friends. Talk about intimidating. But it ended up being amazing. Josh has a way of bringing people together and making them feel like they belong. I met some amazing people that evening that I can not wait to know better and be a bigger part of their lives and for them to be part of ours.

After that, dinner every few weeks became every week. And it was something I looked forward to. One of the highlights of every single one of my weeks. Mondays always seem so far away. We would talk, play games, eat, and just open up to one another. People have never been able to get me to do that before.

And these two people, who were absolutely destroying the walls I built up around myself, just kept showering me with unconditional love. They were giving me what I needed in my life without me realizing that I was missing it.

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For anyone who has known me at any point in my life will know that I do not have a very good track record with friendships with other men. As in, aside from elementary school friends (who are no longer in my life), there has been no successful friendships at all. And I would even be as bold as to say that includes my siblings. I’ve always been able to relate better with women. Probably has a lot to do with fear of competing for dominance and proving masculinity.

I’m not getting into psychology today. I’m not talking about how it bothers me that people shame me for not caring about sports. Or that I’d rather stay in and watch a good Hallmark movie and get in touch with my feelings. Or whatever… someone asked, right?! Riiiiight…

So for Josh to come into my life and be someone I wanted to pour my heart out to, you should truly understand how meaningful that is. It’s never happened. As in… ever. And yet I can tell this man everything. And I usually do. Without a single fear of judgement! I could come to him and tell him I did something terrible and he would look at me, hug me, and ask what he can do to help. Granted, he would at some point tell me if I did something stupid, but that’s just something I love about him. That he will call me out on my crap.

And he makes me want to be a better person. In basically every aspect of my life. He is an absolutely amazing father. He is a fantastic husband. A huge extrovert and everyone absolutely loves being around him. Even Maddi loves him, and she has some people issues.

And he is a devoted Christ follower. His passion in the things he truly believes in is so incredibly inspiring. When he gets going on a topic that he is into, it’s amazing to see him go. It’s like watching a science experiment with a bunch of chain reactions going off all at once. It’s mesmerizing to be a part of. Sometimes chaotic, but it is something beautiful that you want to be a part of.

He never knew of my past, and yet he came to me with unconditional love in his heart and accepted me before I even knew what was going on. He made me a part of his family before I could make sense of what was happening. Josh introduced me, indirectly (but if you know him, more than likely intentionally with a long-game plan), to what unconditional love actually was. Before I met Josh and Stacy, I didn’t know. My heart was filled with pain, anger, bitterness and sadness. And it’s, mostly (about 95%), free from all of that now.

He didn’t see me as a project. He didn’t see me as someone that was broken (granted, I definitely was). He didn’t see me as someone who needed to be fixed. He didn’t even know my religious views. He just said “Hey, man. I love you”.

He told me once that the timing of me coming into his life happened for a reason. Oh boy, I hope he truly knows that the timing of him coming into my life was a moment of Heaven on Earth.

Josh has a way of seeing the bigger picture. He can see into people’s hearts and knows how to speak to them on an intimate, personal level. It’s a gift. And an amazing one at that.

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Josh has a way of getting you energized. He’s the pep talk before a big game. Stacy, on the other hand, has a way of calming your soul. She’s like a bedtime story after a long day. When you’re with her the world just slows down, in the best way possible.

One of my absolute favorite things about Stacy is the way she hugs you. If you’ve ever been given a hug by her, you will know exactly what I’m about to say. If I am having a bad day, my mood is instantly lifted. If it’s a good day, it just gets even better. She doesn’t give you a hug like you’re a new acquaintance, quick and with a few pats on the back. She embraces you, squeezes, and holds you. A hug so tight that it just puts all the broken pieces back together again. It makes you feel like everything in the world will be okay, even if just for a few moments.

The best way I can describe it is you can feel the love of Jesus radiating from within her. It is a hug full of unconditional love and warmth. Odds are, knowing the person she is, she probably makes everyone feel this way. But you know what? I’m going to ignore that and just pretend that I’m special. ☺️

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Stacy is a truly amazing caregiver. We have entrusted her with our kids at least 5/7 days of the week. And she loves them so much as if they are one of her own. Benny and Shai, who both have some social anxieties of their own that they are overcoming, tell us constantly about how much they just love her. I trust her with all of our lives, and I’ve told her time and time again when she has the kids that they are hers. Her rules, her discipline, her fun. And she doesn’t treat them any different, which I have so much respect for.

She shows up when the kids are sick, bringing them things to make their days special. She makes everyone around her feel so loved, whether it’s in the way she talks to you, or makes you feel included, or cooks you dinner, or bakes you desserts (she could definitely open her own bakery someday…. yum!).

Stacy has taught me to fully embrace my emotions. I don’t need to hide who I am, and she seems to have a way of sensing when something just isn’t right. If you need to cry, she will be right there and cry with you. It’s pretty impossible to be in the same room with her and not leave with a smile on your face. She just has that effect on others.

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These two people brought me out of one of the darkest points in my life. When I was going through one of the toughest times they both came to my side, put their arms through mine, and asked to walk with me. I didn’t know at the time that they were helping me walk a path back to salvation, but I can tell you now I’m really not surprised. These two are living examples of what it means to be followers of Jesus.

I am blessed to be able to see Josh every weekday morning when I drop the kids off. And as I make sure to hug my kids and tell them I love them, I do the same with him. Why? Because he means that much to me.

Whenever we are all together, it’s something we all do. And it just brings so much joy to my life.

We have, on multiple occasions, been up into the early hours of the morning talking about all sorts of odds and ends. We lose track of time picking the kids up and talking for an hour. I don’t know about them, but it never seems to be enough. Sometimes with people I struggle to find things to talk about. It’s never happened with them. Not once. And we spend hours together every single week.

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When I fully opened myself up to the two of them on where I was with my faith, I asked them how they were able to be such devoted Christ followers and compartmentalize that part of their lives and not have that be a big part of our friendship.

Oh how naive I was.

They weren’t compartmentalizing anything. What they didn’t do was try to build our relationship around something that we may or may not have been on the same page about. What they DID do was love me unconditionally. They were living their lives following the life of Jesus. They weren’t hiding anything. They were 100% being true to themselves. They didn’t care one bit about what I believed. They loved me anyways.

They loved me anyways!

I would do absolutely anything for their family. Any of them. And I know that they would do the same for mine. I trust them with everything I have. Literally everything. These are people I would genuinely give my life for.

Now our families have become one. We are not 5 of one, 6 of another. We come together as a family of 11. We have trips scheduled together. We have plans a year out from now. I am looking forward to my birthday for the first time in a very long time because of them. We laugh together. We cry together. We pray together. We break bread together. We joke around and tease each other. We have full on gif conversations. We have inside jokes (flowers, and freezers, and chica bread!). We create lifetime memories. Together.

We love one another and the world is a better place because of it.

They are helping me in my journey to be a better follower of Jesus. Never once telling me I should do things one way or another, but supporting me and loving me as I work through things. Giving me answers when I have questions. Giving me a shoulder to cry on when I’m having a bad day. Directing me to look at things from a different perspective to work through troubles. They speak to me on what they believe and it resonates with me on such a profound level because it just makes so much sense!

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If you’ve made it this far, either you are the people this post was written about or you are just drawn to who these people are (which, you should be!). And if you are the people it was written about, you might be in tears now (Stacy, I’m sure you are since you tell me all the time I make you cry.). Sorry, not sorry! I needed to document this turning point in my life.

Josh and Stacy, you are truly disciples of Jesus. You both mean so incredibly much to me.

You are not my friends, you are my family.

Josh – I love you!

Stacy – I love you!

And I love your family, which I feel I can safely call an extension of my own. It just melts my heart to see how excited the girls get when they see me and run and give me lots of hugs (wonder where they get that from?!).

If I were not here tomorrow I am glad to know you will have these words to forever hold. To know that you made a difference in someone’s world. You saved a life – mine.

Dear God.

Is there more I can say to thank You for bringing these beautiful souls into my life? I asked for a message and You sure did deliver. Hand-picked, embellished with love, kindness, generosity, compassion. A special gift from God. And You chose me to be blessed with their presence? How great is Your love!

I pray that You love and protect them. Your love is so evident in the people they are, the things they do and the way they live their lives. You have given me a brother that will take me by my hand and show me how to live a better life and be a follower of Christ. Who doesn’t judge me but fosters my growth.

You have given me someone who has shown me that it is okay to cry. And to do it often! You have given me someone who has taught me to give myself to others. To accept people for who they are. To open my home to strangers. You have given me someone who has taught me the power of a hug, and the difference it can make on someone’s life.

You have given me love. You have given me guidance. You have given me inspiration.

You have blessed me with these people. I only hope that I can be the same blessing to others. I want to change the lives of others as these people have done for me.

I want to make a difference. I want to live a purposeful life. I want be a follower of Jesus and live a life as He did. I want to give all of myself to You.

Amen

With all the love in my heart!

Kyle

*Please feel free to follow my blog if you would like to receive email notifications whenever I post. You can subscribe down below or off to the right of this post. I try to post at least once a week, depending on what is currently going on in my life. Let me know below if you have any comments, questions or concerns. Hope everyone has a blessed day! YOU ARE LOVED!*

Lauren Daigle – Rescue

You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army
To find you in the middle of the darkest night
It’s true
I will rescue you

There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
I’ll be your armor

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS

I will send out an army
To find you in the middle of the darkest night
It’s true
I will rescue you
I will never stop marching
To reach you in the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true
I will rescue you

I hear the whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper, you have nothing left

I will send out an army
To find you in the middle of the darkest night
It’s true
I will rescue you
I will never stop marching
To reach you in the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true
I will rescue you

Oh, I will rescue you

What’s In A Name? A Reminder of Where I Came From And Where I Want To Go

When I created this blog over 4 years ago I was in a place in my life where the only thing I wanted was solitude for my immediate family of 5. This blog was created to be about OUR little infinity. I had shut the rest of the world out and was focused on my wants. My needs.

But I’ve come to realize that “our” is a relative term. It does not have to be about my wife and I, or a family of 5. And I’m so glad that it is not that way! I am so grateful that I am no longer the person that I once was.

I’ve thought about going through the process of changing the blog name. I know the steps that need to be made to switch the domain name, how to change the authors, etc. But I don’t want to any longer. As I have mentioned in a post on my Facebook, my past is what has brought me to be where I am and the person I have become. And I want to embrace my past, the pain and all.

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Let’s break this out and over-analyze, shall we?

Table For Five. Today, this means I am setting a hard limit on the number of people I let into my life. I am closing myself off from the world, putting up walls and telling others that if you don’t belong in my small group, you’ll never get to know me. The only people allowed to sit at my table are my wife and children.

That’s not who I want to be! Not anymore. Not ever again! As I’ve mentioned before, we are planning on moving before year end. One of the biggest reasons that I now want to move is because I do not physically have the space in my own home to be able to have people over. I want my new home to be a safe haven for others. I want it to be a second home to my loved ones. I want it to be open to my neighbors. I can promise you now that other people will have keys to my home. Where you don’t have to knock to enter. Where you will always be welcomed.

I want to be surrounded by loved ones every day. I want to share meals all the time.

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One of my absolute favorite things that I get the privilege of doing is having dinner with my best friends and their family once a week. Every week, aside from times of sickness, we prioritize sitting down and breaking bread together.

And my favorite thing about it is that when we all sit down together there is not a division in families. If you ever watch us together, we do not separate. The adults do not sit apart from the children, spouses do not pair off and stay right by one another. We come together as one. And my heart is so full being able to speak to every single one of them individually as if we have known each other our entire lives.

And it’s something I want to be surrounded by. I want to just give so much love. I want to have plans every night of being with loved ones. I want to build relationships. I want to share the love of Jesus.

I don’t want a table for five. I want a table for fifty.

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I am this new person now and all I want to do is just give my love to others. And it’s such a weird feeling to me because just a few months ago I was so closed off to the world. But now my eyes, and my heart, have been opened.

Love creates such beautiful transformations.

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Our Little Infinity.

How naive I was to believe that my life, and the life my family had, was from my own doing. That I had a right to claim it as my own. To take possession of “our” little infinity.

Our little infinity is so much greater than I could have ever imagined. To have the love of God, to be a follower of Jesus. To be given eternal life. Oh how it just opens the doors to so much beauty and joy.

We have a life that has been blessed upon us, and we get the honor of sharing this with others. “Our” grows from five to a community of so many.

Our little infinity now means the life I get to share with my community for the time I am alive. And what an amazing thing that is.

I am brimming with love. And compassion. And joy. And happiness. Oh, my heart has never felt this way before and I never want it to change.

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I’m eager to make this transition into our new home and begin sharing my life with those around me. Please fill my life with love. Let us share a meal together. Let’s go for a walk. Let’s cry together. Let’s pray together! Let’s just be together, with love in our hearts. It doesn’t have to be a special occasion.

And for those who already welcome me into their homes, you are a big reason why I strive to be a better person. I hope these meetings happen often as it is easily one of my favorite moments each week and something I look forward to.

My family of five is no longer. It has grown and I am so blessed.

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“Dear God,

Oh how You have made Your presence known in my life! I see You all around me. I stop and notice the amazing things You have done in this world that we take for granted on a daily basis.

I recognize Your blessings and I cherish them!

My heart has been opened because You worked through others to bring me back to You. I see You in their eyes. I hear You in their voice. I feel You in their hugs.

Today I want to thank You for everything in my life. I know You are not responsible for the bad, but know You never left my side through them. You allowed me to try to do things on my own, and were always there to catch me when I fell. And You have forgiven me through them all.

How loving You are. That You would sacrifice so much to allow me be here, as significant and small as I have felt in the past.

I pray that You allow me to share my love with all those who are willing to accept it. I want to bring love and happiness to others lives, as You have done for me.

I pray to be blessed with a table for so many! That I can serve others and give them a place to rest their feet and their hearts. To give others a second home and a place to feel safe and loved.

I thank You again, as I will likely do every day, for bringing loved ones to my life. Those who make me be a better person. Who make me feel so incredibly welcomed.

I pray that You continue to be there for those who are in pain this evening, and that You may grant them peace and serenity.

I thank You for everything You have blessed my life with. You have given me so much and I am eager to give back in any way I can.

Thank You for opening my eyes and my heart.

Amen.

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A fair warning before I end this post this evening, I am making an effort to express my feelings every chance I get. We are not promised tomorrow, and if today happened to be my last I don’t want anyone to ever question how I felt about them. So, I will tell you I love you. Often. Because love is such a beautiful thing, and just being told that you are loved, in my experience, just makes everything so perfect. And hugs are one of my new favorite things. Not little ones, though. Long, full embraces are the best. ☺️

So, with that said, I love you! If you are reading this post it is because you are someone I care about and wanted to be a part of my life.

Kyle

P.s. since I am letting more people in to my blog, please don’t forget to “follow” down below. Just put in your email address and verify it and you will get emails anytime I post!

The Value of Time

For those of you who don’t know, I have been back in school part time, year round, for the last 5 years completing my third degree. I am officially, finally, in my last semester. As of today I have finished the 5th week of classes and have 87 days left until commencement!

This semester is the hardest yet. Not because of the source material, or the workload, but because I am wanting to give 100% of myself to this new path I am on, and yet I have this massive chapter that still has to come to an end.

It’s a reminder to me that sometimes in life, we have to be patient. While we really want to get to the end and cross that finish line, the journey there is often just as important. Sometimes, we just don’t get a choice.

The work, school, home, personal life balancing act this semester has been difficult. I’m only gone one night this semester for a class, and the other two classes are online. That one night, though, interferes with activities that I would rather commit myself to.

I’m not short on time. If you look at our Google Calendar you would think I was lying, but there is plenty of time to give to the things that matter most. Time is something I’ve been forced to be pretty good at divvying up. And I keep my schedule very flexible.

This semester comes with classes on Thursdays, gymnastics and guitar lessons on Wednesdays, month end closing every Friday on a 4-4-5 schedule. Exams thrown in there every once in awhile, too. It’s a lot, yes, but when the priorities come up, nothing else matters. I will always, always, always have time for my loved ones. And I will prioritize it.

Time is something that we often take for granted, though. It comes and goes so quickly that we don’t even pay attention to it. But it’s something that is so important. So I’ve made a point to not only prioritize MY time lately, but also prioritize others as well. While I would love to give all of my time to those that make me the happiest, I’ve realized that you have to set limits to ensure they have their time as well. We all have routines in our lives, and it is so important to keep to a set schedule and to respect others and their lives.

It’s respect. And I have a lot of respect for my loved ones. So it’s something I’m prioritizing. People give up their precious time to be there for me. I promise you, the first time I get a phone call at 2:30 in the morning, or in the middle of the work day, I will be there faster than you can imagine.

But this semester is making me long for a new routine. This year comes with a lot of change in all of our lives, and I’m so anxious to get through most of it and just be at the end result. Graduating, buying a new house, oldest starting high school (😪), etc. and I can’t wait until everything has settled and a new schedule is in place.

I am happiest when I am with my loved ones. And I can not wait for this semester to be over so I have more time to dedicate to the priorities in my life. Yes, the finished degree will be great and worth all the hard work, but having the freedom to do more, and to give more, is what I’m so excited about. I want to be able give more of my time to Jesus and live his words. To have more time to pray, and to read the Bible. To write. To spend time with my growing family. To be a bigger part of the community.

I know it is coming. I just have to be patient. In the mean time, I will keep recognizing my blessings and living a life with intentionality and priority. Especially when it comes to the relationships in my life.

Dear God.

Thank You for the love that You continue to show me on a daily basis. For the words that speak directly to my heart when I need them most. For my loved ones who will tell me the words I need to hear on a bad day. For the embraces that bring joy and happiness to my life.

I pray that You please look after my children and give them the kindness and patience to love one another unconditionally.

I pray that You look after my loved ones and keep them safe. Bring joy to their lives and let them see Your love in their days.

I pray that You continue to be by my wife’s side as she navigates all the changes in her life, including giving herself to You.

Please give me the wisdom to be a better husband, father and friend. I want to give all of myself to them, and ask nothing in return. I know I have asked a lot of all of them lately, but I pray they all know that I am so incredibly grateful for all they do. Please allow them to see the love I have for them, not only in my words, but through my actions.

Please continue to be there for all those who are in suffering today. Please look after those who have been carrying heavy hearts lately.

Lord, I beg of You to please give me the strength to carry these burdens for them. It breaks my heart to see sadness in the lives of others, and I pray I can take their pain for myself.

Please forgive me for my sins. For allowing fear and doubts to cloud my judgement. For being a failing husband by reacting instead of listening. For being a failing friend for unloading my emotions on others and not asking how they are doing themselves. I pray that others come before me. That my shoulder will be wet from their tears. For the warmth to warm others’ hearts when we hug as theirs do for mine. I pray that You guide me to be the BEST version of myself for all others, not for my benefit, but for theirs.

Lord, I pray that the needs of my family and friends are met long before my own.

I pray for more good days, but also thank You for the blessing of every day, even the ones I feel are bad. They allow me to seek You more and to learn and grow my faith.

I thank You for loving me even when I feel unlovable.

Amen

I promise to be better for all of you. And I will ALWAYS have time for others.

With so much LOVE!

Kyle

Today… I Am Not Okay

Today, my heart is heavy.

Today, my insecurities are winning.

Today, I am consumed by doubt.

Today, I am reminded that the pain I have caused before will have lasting effects.

Today, I am reminded that sometimes trying just isn’t enough.

Today, I am living in fear.

Today, I am not okay…

Dear God,

Today, I need You more than I have in awhile. Lord, I need You to be there for me as I cry out to You and seek Your guidance. Please help me with trusting the path You have set me on. I feel I am making the right decisions. I feel I am directing my love to all the right places. I feel like I am doing what You have set out for me to do. But I also have fear that I am doing too much. I have changed so drastically that I have given people reason to doubt me.

My heart hurts so much today. I am trying so hard to be the person You want me to be. My heart has been broken so much that I am so fearful of losing my loved ones. I have found peace. I have found happiness. I have found love. And I don’t want to lose it. Please take away the fear, and the pain. Please mend my heart. It hurts so much…

Please don’t let me lose it.

Please…

Amen

Kyle

Edit:

Sometimes I just need to cry, and pray, and listen. This is the song that decided to play next for me this morning:

When he told you you’re not good enough
When he told you you’re not right
When he told you you’re not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you’re not worthy
When he told you you’re not loved
When he told you you’re not beautiful
That you’ll never be enough

Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear he is a liar

When he told you were troubled
You’ll forever be alone
When he told you you should run away
You’ll never find a home
When he told you you were dirty
And you should be ashamed
When he told you you could be the one
That grace could never change

Fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear he is a liar

Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel

Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel

Let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel

Oh, let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears
Let Your fire fall Your love is all I feel

Oh, fear he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire

‘Cause fear he is a liar

‘Cause fear he is a liar

– Zach Williams

Finding Peace In a World of Chaos

I wander, aimlessly, in no given direction. There is no light to guide my way. Am I moving forward or am I going back? A cold chill rushes over me every few moments and my body aches. I rub my hands over my arms to bring them warmth, but there is no warmth coming from within. Flashes of light burst to my sides as if they were lightbulbs exploding. Hope overcomes me with each spark of light, but the hope quickly turns to fear as I descend back into pitch black nothingness…

I scream out in the darkness asking for help. Asking for someone to guide my way. There is no answer. There is never an answer. I drop to my knees and cry as I realize I am so alone in this world. I am so alone…

If someone were to ask me how I would describe the beginning of last year, those words above, my words, would be it.

For the majority of my life I believed I was wandering aimlessly through this crazy thing called life. No real direction. No real objective. No real purpose. I believed that I was in control of my life and that I was just going to keep doing more. To get more. To have… more.

More of what I thought I wanted in my life.

I eventually ended up in a place that many would call “success”. What did this success look like? I ended up in a dream job at 31 years old. In a position that many work an incredibly long time to get to. I had life figured out, and I was on a path to have more.

You want to know what came from my success? Sadness. A near end to my marriage. A loss of my identity.

But I am here to tell you that I am not successful. In fact, I would be as bold as to say that I have been a failure.

I thought success meant having more money, having more things, being enviable to others. You know what doesn’t truly matter in life? Money. It is such an evil thing and corrupts the mind of so many.

My world was chaos. I was so blinded in life that I missed so many good things around me.

Let me get back to my story…

I feel a gentle touch on my shoulder and am pulled off my knees. I turn in circles, swinging my arms to see who is by my side. There is no one, but the gentle pressure on my shoulder never lifts. Tears begin pouring down my face and I whisper in the darkness. Please. Please…

A dim light sparks far in the distance. I feel a touch on my other shoulder and one more on my back, gently pushing me forward. My body struggles to move, almost to the point of giving up. I stumble forward and nearly fall but something catches me before I hit the ground and lifts me back up. Another step forward, this one stronger than the last, but still feeling the pain. Another step.

I cry out in agony as my body aches. Another touch, this time on my heart. For the first time I can feel myself enveloped in warmth, enough to give me the strength to begin running towards the light.

I do not know how long it will take me to reach the light, but I do know that I am headed in the right direction.

And I do know that I never have to walk alone again…

Chaos – complete disorder and confusion. My life was the definition of chaos.

But out of chaos comes peace. It does not happen on its own, it happens with intentionality. It happens with purpose. It happens with priority.

It happens with love.

Not only love for God. Not only love for others, but love for yourself.

I have found peace in a world full of chaos, for I have decided to turn away from chaos and RUN the other direction. It is a distraction from what matters most in life.

And I have found peace in giving my life to Jesus, no longer living under the illusion that I am in control. I don’t want control. Look at the bad things that happened when I tried to do things on my own. And look at the amazing things that happened when I let go…

I have found that settling and being content are NOT bad things in life! They are blessings that allow you the flexibility to prioritize. I no longer want the next best thing. I’m not trying to maximize my career. I’m not concerned about how much money I have in my account.

I want a life filled with love. And I want to return that love tenfold. I want nothing from those around me, but I want to give to them everything I have, and everything I am.

I have found peace in my life because I have found purpose, something I have never had before.

My purpose is to give my life to Jesus, to love so much that I better the lives of those I come across, to raise my children to follow in His steps, to spread the love of God and to be an example to others that forgiveness is there when we are ready to ask for it.

I will be a husband who supports his wife, a father who is a role model for his children, a friend that becomes family. I will open my life to others and will open my door to my neighbors.

Peace and purpose are such a strange thing to me, but they feel so comforting.

Dear God,

Lord, I want to thank you for loving not only me, but loving those around me. For showing us what true love is and how to live a righteous life.

I ask that you forgive me for my failures as a husband, as a father, as a son, as a brother and as a friend.

I ask that you provide for others as you have provided for me.

I thank you for the blessing that today was. Although we struggle with navigating this new balance in life, priorities are shifting to allow the most important things to take the most time.

I ask for more time to give to my loved ones.

Please guide my wife as she works through all the changes in her life, and please give me the strength to serve her better.

Please look after my friends who are working through loss and look after those who are dealing with sickness.

Lord, I feel your blessings and recognize your love.

Amen

With LOVE.

Kyle

Communication – Learning to Speak Up and Speak Out

I’ve been told throughout my life that I have a way with words. That I can transform them into emotions with elegance and heart. But I’ve just recently come to realize that I can only do this through written communication. When it comes to speaking out loud I can come off as a babbling fool.

So I’ve been trying to figure out why it comes so naturally to me to be able to share my thoughts and feelings when I’m writing, but struggle with forming a cohesive sentence when talking with someone face-to-face. And what I’ve come up with is when I write I am able to process my thoughts before they come out.

I’m literally able to filter the dumb thoughts or comments before speaking.

But I started to question what that means. Am I being more truthful when I stop and think before speaking, or when I just let things come out as my mind is still processing? In my heart I believe the filtered message is what is my honest thoughts, because when I speak poorly of others I feel ashamed and sad.

I’m not in a place yet where I have surrendered my life to God and can speak to others with no judgement. I know this is a place that I want to get to, but for now I’m still working on letting go of the past. I know there are steps that I need to take to get there, but I’m working on them one day at a time, a relatively new concept to this hardcore planner.

I need to put God back into my life as my top priority. Before I can fix my communication with others, I have to be able to speak to Him. Prayer is something that I do, but not with confidence. I know there is no “wrong way” to talk to God, but every time I do I feel like I am messing it up. How can I speak to others when I can’t even speak to the One who I know never judges me?

So I’m challenging myself to pray more often. And to pray out loud. And to find my outer voice and build the confidence I need to speak to others.

I, ashamedly, struggle with communication with my wife. I have always believed that I needed to be this strong, masculine person in her life who always had everything figured out and was always there to hold the family together. So I would bury my emotions. Deep down. And in doing so I pushed down the guidance that He was giving me. I pushed Him away and allowed the sin to fill the void. And you know which emotions seem to never be able to be pushed aside? Anger. And fear. And negativity.

But I don’t have it all figured out. I’m not SUPPOSED to have it all figured out. I’m supposed to share my feelings with others and I’m supposed to let God work through them and to help me process the things I can’t do on my own.

I’m not meant to be the strong, masculine person. I carry a lot of emotion. A lot of deep emotion. But I’m starting to learn that I need to let that part of me out. Because it’s who I truly am.

I need to cry more. And I need to cry to others more. I need to let those I love know I love them. I, just today, told my two best friends (hey guys, yeah I’m using all the words now) that I loved them and how much they mean to me. Did I just come to this realization? No, it happened awhile ago. But I was so fearful of running them off or being too intrusive in their lives that I never shared that with them. How ridiculous is that?

And do you know what happened? They told me they loved me back. And do you know what that does to a person?

Why today? Well, for one I listened to a service that one of them gave at their local church, and it was profoundly impactful. Guess what it talked about? Yeah, loving one another. Coincidence? I’m quickly learning that that word is one of evil. There are no coincidences. And two I’m learning that not speaking openly and telling people the things I am feeling is hiding a piece of myself.

I talked in my last post about how I can no longer communicate with people in my life, including my family. Do I want this relationship where I can’t speak to them? Absolutely not. Is it a permanent thing? Absolutely not. Once I clear my heart for good, I want to rebuild my relationships with all those in my life that I have hurt or that I struggle to speak with. But I need to be in a place where I am speaking with LOVE. I don’t want to live in the past anymore. I want people to know me, the new me, as a person of love, who walks a strong path with the Lord. Who does not speak ill of others and loves them unconditionally. And I know that day is not far away.

And I need to get to a place where I can speak to my wife the same way that I speak to my closest friends. It is so easy for me to share with them so much of my life and my story (and I do share, a lot). But I know I’m not being judged by them. And I know they have no reason to doubt the things I’m saying. And I know I don’t have to be a certain type of person for them.

I need to do the same with my wife. I need to let her in and share my emotions. Cry to her, and with her. Pray with her. Give her back a piece of myself that I pulled away from her so long ago because I was fearful of being judged by her and falling short of an expectation I put on myself, not one she put on me.

I know, I’m an idiot, right?

Wrong. I was stupid for so long but I am not the person I used to be. If you thought you knew me 6 months, 1 year, or several years ago, come and get to know me again. I’m not the person I was before and I’m never going back there again.

My wife and I spoke for hours this morning. And it felt so good to be vulnerable to her and to admit to her that I know I’ve gone about things wrong in the past but I want them to be different moving forward.

I am moving forward with LOVE in my heart. And I will be open about it.

I am working on building my communication with God and my wife. Once I get there I will be ready to start a NEW chapter with those I had to walk away from.

And I will continue to be open and share my life with those who are choosing to walk beside me on this path I am on. My community is growing; and it is truly such a blessing.

Dear God,

I know I have sinned and I know I will sin in the future as I am human. But I also know that Your Son died for my sins so that I can be forgiven. I ask that You walk with me as I clear my heart of the anger, judgement and fear and fill that void with love instead. I want to love ALL others, as You have done for me.

I pray that You please watch over all those in my life, especially those going through personal troubles. Let them find guidance and love through You.

I thank You, Lord, for being patient as I found my way back to You. And I thank You for bringing people into my life who taught me that it is okay to love again.

I pray to one day soon be washed away of my sins again, of my own doing this time, and walk anew on a path with a loving heart surrendered to You.

Please continue to look after my family and those I love and bring peace to their lives.

Amen

Kyle

An Outsider Looking In

I’ve come to a point where I take a moment to reflect on the relationships in my life and realize that I am an outsider looking in. I will be turning 32 this year in a little over a month and only just noticed how alone in this world I have been.

Tomorrow marks 3 years since I had everything figured out (see here…). What did I do with these revelations since that time? It’s been about 3 years since I’ve even written a post, so I must have been doing great things, right?

I lost my way. I handed my life to God and assumed that that was it. I took Him for granted and believed that nothing could go wrong from that point.

But I let my guard down and allowed the distractions to take over my life. My priorities shifted again. I can’t even tell you the last time I attended church. I can tell you where I’ve progressed with my career. I can tell you where I am with school. I can’t tell you a lot of the things going on with my own family.

I recently had people come into my life that have profoundly changed my life in the best way possible. I will save a post on them for another day, but these people have made me make realizations about the relationships in my life.

I am an outsider looking in. I no longer belong. Or, I’ve never belonged and am just now realizing that that’s okay. I have lost all connection with those I thought I needed to have connection with.

I am at a different place in my life now. My accomplishments don’t necessarily go unnoticed, but they are often overshadowed by what others are going through in their own lives.

I can not have meaningful conversations with any of my parents or siblings any longer. I, instinctively, go back to my ways of being judgmental and speaking poorly of their life choices. And that’s not the person I want to be any longer. But I no longer know how to speak with them.

I don’t want to speak poorly of those who I truly do still love, but I’ve got to stop making excuses for those who don’t bring positiveness to my life. That doesn’t sound like a very Godly thing to say, right? Yeah, you’re right. But I know that if I keep surrounding myself with people who don’t bring me up, I will be lead back down a sinful path, where negative thoughts and anger consume me.

Last year was a terrible year for me. I was so lost in life that it nearly brought an end to my marriage. I had sinful thoughts cross my mind that distracted me from what was important. I said extremely hurtful words to my wife who did not deserve any of it. And in self reflection, I have no idea why last year even happened.

I tried to fit myself in with groups of people that I didn’t belong in. I drank, excessively, for the first time in my life. The way I spoke to others changed and I began cursing like it was part of my normal vocabulary. I tried so hard to belong that I nearly lost the little that I did have.

But fortunately I found my way out of that, mostly due to the fact that I was being told to move out of my own home, away from my own family. I was given an ultimatum and it was a wake up call for me.

I still wandered lost for awhile not feeling like I belonged. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t happy. I have no idea what I was. It wasn’t until I had people come into my life that I finally found a purposeful life.

But throughout all of last year I had the realization that I had no one to talk to. I talked to one of my dads about it and was pretty much told I was just being stupid. Yes, I was, but I wasn’t really sure how to get out of it. And other than that, I felt like I had no one to turn to.

I, stupidly, did not turn back to God during these times. I only just found my way back to Him again these last few weeks, due the very unfortunate passing of a truly great man who made more of an impact on my life in the short month I knew him than most anyone else I’ve even met in my life.

I need to surround myself with people who build me up. I need to surround myself with people who choose me. I need to be around a community that will foster my growth with God. I need to be around people who make me feel important and that I do matter.

And I know some of these people read these posts and will be hurt by my words. This is not to say that I do not love you and that I won’t be there for you in times of need, but I can’t allow myself to be lost again. I don’t have life figured out. I need people who will keep helping me even when they believe I am doing well. I need to be around people that keep positive thoughts in my head.

I need to no longer be an outsider looking in.

I need to keep on this path.

Kyle~