As someone who is reevaluating all of the things they have done wrong in their marriage, there are a lot of topics that come up where I have completely fallen short, and flat on my face. The biggest of which is the importance of boundaries.
Here is the thing about boundaries. They are put in place for a reason. They are put in place to protect. They are put in place to heal. They are put in place to avoid unnecessary conflict.
They are not for you, they are for the person who is establishing the boundary.
And when you fail to adhere to those boundaries you are telling that person that you don’t care how they feel about the situation and that your thoughts on it are more important.
Guess who was a fucking moron and overstepped a lot of boundaries?
I was showing my wife that I didn’t respect her when she would let me know a boundary of hers, and I would ignore it. Not always, but more times than I like to admit.
Boundaries are an essential component of a healthy and successful relationship. Usually it means the person setting the boundary is comfortable speaking to their significant other and expressing their emotional, mental, and physical needs.
And when you continually overstep those boundaries the other person will lose trust that you will respect their needs.
And the worst part of overstepping boundaries is when you make it about you.
“Yes, I hear you, but…”
“That’s not what I meant, but…”
Quit with the damn excuses!
A boundary is a boundary. It’s not for you to decide if it’s appropriate or not. You can disagree with it all you want, but IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!
I’m in this place now where there are a lot of boundaries that I need to follow. And at first it was easy for me to make excuses and to continually say “but”, but now I understand just how important boundaries are.
There is no trust in a person who continually oversteps boundaries. It can not and will not happen.
And without trust, there is no way a relationship will work.
So while there are times I really want to overstep a boundary because it is different now than it was a few weeks ago, I don’t. Because I see you, and I hear you. And I know that DOING the work is more important than TALKING about the work.
The more boundaries you overstep the more boundaries get put into place.
And the more you show up and make another person feel that they are respected, maybe the more they will be open to letting you in just one step closer.
People are seen by feeling respected. It’s showing the other person that not only are you hearing them, but you are listening, and you are comprehending what it is they are saying and/or asking of you.
When I am given a boundary, it is up to me to be accountable and show that person how much they truly mean to me.
And when I fail to respect a boundary, I make that person feel mistreated. When I overstep a boundary, I fail to give you a safe place to be yourself and to speak truthfully and openly.
I’ve listened to a lot of Brene Brown, and one of the things that stuck with me the most was her quote “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.” So, in essence, it’s another form of abuse. And it’s one that I will not be a part of any longer or ever again.
Boundaries do not need an explanation. It is not owed to anyone else. NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.
BOUNDARIES ARE ALL ABOUT SAFETY
So when boundaries are crossed, I need to be held accountable. And I’m being accountable now. I’m taking ownership, and I am never going back to disrespecting others again.
Violating someone’s boundaries makes them lose parts of their identity. It makes them feel mistreated. It makes them feel unsafe.
My words will carry meaning again someday, because they are coming from a place of love. When you tell me something, I will trust you and believe you and not think that you are lying. You are telling me things for a reason. They could be boundaries. They could just be conversation. It’s none of my damn business, but it is my compassionate responsibility to respect you no matter what.
I want to be a SAFE SPACE to you again. I want you to have COMPLETE TRUST in me that what you tell me, what you ask of me, what you need from me will be RESPECTED and HONORED.
Anyone who truly wants to be in your life with respect your boundaries. Period.