Family

Deserved?

Family

“I’m sorry you have to heal from things that weren’t you fault.”

It’s a real shitty thing to have to be in that situation. And it’s been so consistent throughout my life. So many traumas since I was a young child that I’ve grown up believing that bad things happen because of me.

I blame myself for so many problems in my life. I carry so much burden that I generally in the past have defaulted to feeling like I deserve it so much that I don’t even tell others about the way I’m feeling.

Why would all of these things happen to me if I didn’t deserve them? If I’m supposed to fall on my faith, how am I supposed to believe that a loving, just god would allow these things to happen to me?

I’m stronger because of the things that have happened to me? No, I’m fucking broken. My heart is shattered into a million pieces, scattered across the floor, that anyone who tries to get close ends up cutting themselves and backing away for fear of being hurt.

I just want to be seen. Ironic, right? That my marriage almost ended because I wasn’t seeing my wife, and yet it is the one thing that I desire so much in my life.

I’m here. I’m standing here. Bleeding out, begging to be seen.

I’ve done some shitty things in my life, but I never did anything to deserve the pain that I am in right now. And I can’t do a goddamn thing about it.

Because it’s not about me. And I don’t deserve to have my needs met. So why am I making such a big fucking deal about not being seen?

Forgiveness

As much as it amazes me how much a heart can take before it finally gives out, it also amazes me how much a person is capable of forgiving.

If I wouldn’t have made a decision 7 weeks ago to change, I’m petrified to think of where I would be today mentally.

My mind is on high alert right now, and I just need it to be quieted. And it doesn’t take much. It takes reassurances. It takes physical touch. It takes prioritization.

It takes making me feel like I’m the decision, and not an option. It takes making me feel wanted. It takes hearing the things I’m saying are important to me, and doing something about it.

I’ve given so much of myself these last 7 weeks, and I’ve not asked for anything in return. I got a matching tattoo with my daughter, but other than that I’ve done nothing for myself. I haven’t bought myself anything. I guess that’s not true. I did buy a few new pieces of clothes along the way, but it’s because I lost 38 fucking pounds in less than 6 weeks.

It’s amazing what your body can endure when it is in survival mode.

But I’ve done the opposite. I’ve done so much for others, and have not asked for anything in return.

I’ve sold off a massive chunk of my collectibles. I cancelled every single item I had preordered. I didn’t even preorder the new Zelda game coming out in a few months. I’m going to be selling even more items.

I’ve purchased vacations, bought cars, new family pets, so many trips to get coffee and fast food, clothes, shoes, books, car accessories.

Who am I to expect to be seen or to deserve anything. I went so long not seeing others that this is just what it is.

I put so much of what happened on my shoulders that I’ve been in this massive forgiveness stage, and a I’ve had to forgive more than most people would ever do.

I guess I’m asking for forgiveness as well.

I’m asking for grace.

I’m asking to be chosen.

I’m asking to be thought of.

I’m asking to be prioritized.

I’m asking to be provided with constant reassurances.

I’m asking to be made to feel like I’m worth loving. Because right now I don’t feel like I am.

Forgiveness is such a weird thing. That I’m so comfortable giving it, but so uncomfortable asking for it.

I’m uncomfortable asking for anything in general. Asking leads to expectations, which leads to disappointment, which leads to more self-hatred and heartbreak.

What did I do so wrong in a past life that I had to be out through so much in this one.

I don’t know how much more heartbreak I can endure.

I’m begging you to please start picking up the pieces and putting my heat back together.

I’m incredibly needy right now. And I feel like shit because of it.

Damnit!

Care Vs Control

Family

I’ve been in a few situations these last five weeks where my past has confused the present.

It usually comes down to what I am doing because I care, versus what I am doing because I want control.

Manipulation can often look like care.

I found a great quote that I wanted to share.

“There’s only one way to know the difference between care and control. Is someone giving you care in the way you want to better you? Or are they doing it to make you more comfortable and convenient for them?”

I think my actions are starting to speak for themselves. Granted, it’s only just a small whisper now, usually drown out by the loudness of my past, but they are fighting to be louder.

Nearly everything I do now comes from a place of love. I don’t care about controlling anyone or anything. I just want to be. In the moment with my loved ones.

So am I being controlling or am I showing care?

I know the answer, but I can’t answer for you. I can’t speak for you. All I can do is show you my heart and leave it to you to decide.

Brick By Brick

Family

I was always under the impression that to become close to someone you had to work at breaking down their walls.

But I’m learning that to knock someone else’s walls down and push your way forward doesn’t mean that they really want you in.

So I’m placing down my chisel. I’m dropping the sledgehammer to my side. I don’t need them anymore.

I’m not going to be someone who pressures you to lower your defenses.

I will sit patiently at the base of the wall, looking up at you and admiring your beauty.

I will pace back and forth, gently running my fingers over each of the bricks that these walls were made from, understanding that each one carried a story and deserves to be recognized and honored for the changes they have made in you.

I will occasionally take a step back, look up at you, and whisper words of love softly through the vastness of your heart in hopes that they will reach you.

I never know if you hear them drifting upwards to you, but occasionally I hear a brick fall beside me.

I will find each brick that comes down and appreciate it for what it is, thanking each one for protecting your heart, reassuring them that I will be kind and will not cause any further pain.

I will look up and watch you working away. You’re very intentional. Some bricks are thrown down to me, never to be used again for your own walls, while other times the bricks being removed are being replaced by new ones.

There is a big wall that stands between your heart and mine. But I believe if I am patient then eventually you will make your way down, one brick at a time, followed by walls crumbling around you.

You look down at me, cautiously, evaluating the changes I am making. Taking time to ensure that what you are seeing is real and genuine. Building trust that if you were to fall, I would be there to catch you. Building trust that if you were to let me in, I would be kind and gentle with your heart.

Somedays no bricks are removed at all. And other days several come down all at once.

I will gather all of the bricks you throw down, and combine them with my own from the walls I have torn down myself, and use each brick in building a new home for us.

It’s going to take time. But I want to give respect to each brick that is being removed from our own walls and used in building a new life together.,

I will be here, waiting for the next brick to come down. I will be here, arms open, waiting to catch you should you ever fall. I will be here, supporting and shouting up to you “It’s okay. These walls were put up for a reason.” I will be here, reminding you that you can trust me. I will be here, healing my own self so that I can be gentle with others hearts. I will be here. Take your time, my love. Let them come down when you are ready.

Love

Family

This one deserves to be read.

You have told me recently that maybe neither of us really knew what love was. What love is.

We were thrust into adulthood at such a young age that you believe “love” was simply “convenience”.

Love is complicated. Love is messy. Love is hard work. Love is crying in the middle of the night. Love is having panic attacks because you’re overthinking.

I wasn’t raised believing or understanding what true love actually was. No offense to my parents (who I know read this), but I didn’t see true love. I didn’t see what a healthy relationship was. I didn’t see the hard work that goes into making a marriage work. And this isn’t the fault of those in my life, everyone was doing the best they could with the tools and resources they had at their disposal at the time. I don’t fault anyone in my life for that.

But I didn’t have communications with those who were in loving relationships. The closest I can remember was the love that my grandparents had for one another. I believe that was love, but I wasn’t old enough, and they weren’t around long enough for me to have those deep conversations with them.

SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS POST ABOUT TODAY?

You asked me if I knew what love actually is.

I’ve had to figure this out on my own. And I didn’t do a great job of it a lot of times.

No, I’ve done a real shitty job of figuring it out on my own.

But I’ve had an idea what love was, and I’m now seeing everyday what love is.

LOVE

Love is compassion. Accepting your partners struggles and burdens as your own and carrying it with them.

Love is patience. Having the capacity to accept and tolerate your partners troubles or struggles without being overcome with anger or frustration. Standing by one another and walking hand in hand, in step with one another and not pushing or pulling the other.

Love is frustration. Knowing that you are not always going to be able to help your partner in their times of needs.

Love is understanding. In knowing that your partner does not always want you to help in their times of need.

Love is commitment. Living a life of your own, but thinking of your partner before you make choices and decisions. Being there for them when they need you most, and always being available when they need a shoulder to cry on.

Love is caring. Valuing your partner’s happiness, wants, and needs as much as your own.

Love is intimacy. In stealing the little moments of the day and making them special between the two of you. A smile from across the room. Pushing their hair back behind their ear. Looking them in the eyes when they speak. Kissing them softly and intentionally, letting your feelings pass from one set of lips to the next.

Love is gentle. Speaking respectfully and with kindness in your voice. Not letting small arguments grow into something much larger.

Love is safety. It is feeling secure being able to speak openly and honestly with your partner without fear of escalation or retaliation. It is creating a space for them to be able to go to whether their day is great, or when it is rough.

Love is vulnerable. Knowing that even though things may one day come to an end, you will not live in the future, but give your all to the here and now. Understanding fear, but pushing through it anyways. Knowing what your wants and needs are and communicating those to your partner.

Love is generous. Giving as much of yourself as you can for your partner. Being empathetic to them and showing up. An equal exchange between each other. Giving your love, attention, time, and affection.

Love is healthy communication. It is not belittling of one or the other. It is listening when they speak. Giving them your full attention. Not cutting them off. Allowing them to express their thoughts, feelings, and emotions and not getting frustrated when it’s now what you want to hear.

Love is acceptance. Understanding that your partner is not going to be able to be able to give 100% of themselves 100% of the time. Recognizing their flaws, but not pushing them to be someone they are not. Knowing that you will never have all of the same interests, values, and beliefs.

Love is hard work. It is always a work in progress. There is no ending. You never reach a finish line. It comes with frustration and anger, fear, pain, all of which take work to get through. It is going to therapy together even when you don’t want to. It is resolving an issue and taking accountability for it when you are the most uncomfortable. Letting a partner walk away and take some time when you just want to work through something.

Love is not making assumptions. That your partner needs to be a certain way in order for them to be worthy. Understanding that they are unique and process things differently. That there is not always more behind a “fine” or an “okay”.

Love is working through miscommunications. Asking the hard questions and pushing for more so you are both on the same page.

Love is allowing necessary space. To let your partner have their own identity and not develop co-dependency on the other. To back off when you are asked, and to understand that not everything needs to be fixed right away.

Love is forgiveness. Knowing that because we are all human, we are all bound to make mistakes. Understanding that mistakes do not define who a person is. That bumps along the way do not change the course of the path you are on.

Love is change and growth. Understanding that the person you knew before is no longer there. And they shouldn’t be. Accepting that people change and grow, but knowing that it does not mean they have to grow apart.

Love is sharing. Your thoughts, ideas, dreams, memories, goals. Your food. Your happiness. Your sadness. Your burdens and your pain. It is not selfishly holding on to the things you are going through because you don’t want to bother the other. It is looking at your partner and saying I want to share this part of myself with you. Please be gentle.

Love is anger. Because anger comes from a place of a deep care in a person or idea. Anger allows you to deeply feel your emotions and process through them. It provides clarity on the things that are really important, and helps sort through the things that aren’t.

Love is crying. Sitting at work in the middle of the day and being sad because you can’t be there to hold your partner. Helping them through tough times. Offering them a shoulder to cry on and reminding them that they do not have to hold back the tears. Crying also lets you know how much you care about something.

Love is the little reminders. Their favorite flower becoming your own. Hearing a song on the radio and thinking of them. Watching a movie and crying because you see your life with them on the screen. Choosing new bedding because it reminds you of them. Driving around town and smiling at all the places you have been and the memories you have created together. Having something happen in your day and wanting to tell your partner right away.

Love is honest.

Love is trust.

Love is respect.

Love is thinking of your partner first thing in the morning, and the last thing at night.

Love is sending them texts knowing that you might not get a response back.

Love is sending messages and reminding them they are being thought of.

Love is action. Speaking less, acting more. Showing you care. Showing you hear them. Showing you respect them. Showing you find them beautiful. Showing you prioritize their needs.

Love is making sure you tell them you love them every time they walk out the door because if something were to happen, you want those to always be the last words spoken between you two.

Love is doing good for your partner without any expectations of getting anything in return.

Love is getting up and doing the dishes late at night even when you are exhausted because you know the mess will stress out your partner.

Love is a partnership. Two people coming together to be better versions of themselves.

Love is doing hard things that you aren’t ready for because it’s what your partner needs the most.

Love is sending funny memes and gifs in the middle of the day just to make them smile and remind them that they are on your mind.

Love is the simple “I miss you”

Love is the smile when they walk in the door and your eyes meet.

Love is working through the past to have a better future.

Love is choosing your partner every day.

I could write about love all day. I see it all around me now. In the smallest details and in the biggest ways.

I have failed showing you I love you in the past. And I will not lie and say that I have always loved you the way that I do now. Because that’s bullshit.

We have grown together. We have worked through hard times. We have hard conversations still to work through.

But I’m not going to fail showing you that I love you any longer. Because my heart is bursting with love and spilling over into the tiny moments of every day. I can not keep this within myself.

So I guess you’re right. I didn’t understand what love was when we first got together. I was in love with you for the person you were and the happiness you brought me. But I didn’t understand what love actually meant.

HOW CAN I HURT YOU IF I LOVED YOU?

I’m figuring a lot of things out. You ask me how I could have done a lot of the things I did if I truly loved you. And you’re asking great questions. How can you heal through things if you don’t know why they happened?

I hurt you because I didn’t have complete control of my emotions. I hurt you because I didn’t understand what love was. I hurt you out of fear of rejection and abandonment. That if I hurt you first, it would be easier than you hurting me. I hurt you because I felt disconnected from you and I thought that having issues would force us to give one another more attention. I hurt you because I was self sabotaging our relationship. I hurt you through recreated emotional traumas from my past.

The honest truth. I hurt you because I lacked the knowledge and maturity to know how to properly communicate my thoughts and feelings to you.

I hurt you because I didn’t see the pain I was causing you.

I hurt you because I didn’t know what intimacy was.

I hurt you because you were close when I was hurting myself.

I hurt you because I was seeking control of our relationship.

OKAY SO WHY THE FUCK DOES IT ALL MATTER NOW?

Because I no longer lack the knowledge and understanding of what love is. Because I am mature enough now to not want control. Because I have accepted that living in fear is not okay.

I’m ready to talk and work through all of the pain of our past. Every last thing that you want to address.

I am ready. When you are ready.

I will not make excuses. I will be accountable and we will work through them together.

And it will all come from a place of love.

And I will show up every single day and show love in every single thing I do.

WHAT IS LOVE?

You have shown me what love is. I see it in the things you do every day, even now with everything going on in our lives. That you push through tough conversations and don’t walk away. That you initiate spending time together even when you’re having a hard day. That you get up and do the things you don’t want to do, because you care about the people around you. That you are putting yourself first when you didn’t feel others were prioritizing your needs.

So what is love?

You.

It’s always been you.

Find Me

Family

“I was once told that walking through a doorway could cause someone to forget even the most precious memories they had
Memories of good
Memories of bad
Memories of love and of loss
All tucked away neatly
Stored like the worn out blankets that were kept to dress the rainy days and bad habits that happen from time to time

Or what it felt like to rest your head on a friend’s shoulder
That still carries with it the creases from where you last placed your heart
Just like that
Gone within a single step
That somehow three beams and an imaginary line drawn across some old aching floorboards were all that stood between you and the infinite silence of the very things that once colored your mind with sound
It’s funny
You can make yourself believe almost anything if you…
If you think about it for long enough

I was once told that the love I felt beating inside my chest was nothing more than my mind playing an unfair trick on my heart
And like a pair of dice dancing along the uneven pavement
Their fate, much like yours or mine had already been decided
That even the cracks that drew their faults between two opposing sides could not escape a fate that was always destined to be sealed
To think
That someone could actually believe that the swelling tides of my heart were no more than an anxious highway of ins and outs
Anchoring my imagination to the castles I’ve been building in the sky…
Well, maybe “they” are the crazy ones

Then again I have been known to misplace my hope in the way things fall
And if I had to confess there stands a greater chance that I have all but lost my mind in here
So I suppose it’s better off this way
Because I’ve always believed that the odds of finding what you seek tend to favor those who are open to seeking them in the first place
And I for one have never quite understood how odds stand to get even without that frame in mind

To be clear
I’ve seen a million faces
I’ve seen a million different faces
Each one mirroring that of your own
And still, none of them felt like home to me
None of them have felt like you

So here we are
And I can vaguely and strangely trace your outline
I can remember what it felt like to hold you
I can remember what it was like to stare blindly into your eyes for what felt like an eternity
How could I forget that?
I could never forget that
I could never forget you

No matter how long it takes for my words to make their way through the vastness of this place we’ve called home
I unto you and you unto me
I say them and will continue to do so
Day after day
Night after night
Never knowing if you’ll actually hear them

There is no place for time here
Just overlapping moments where I thought I’d found you
Where I thought I heard the sound of your breath
Where I felt your heart as it waited patiently for mine
Retracing the steps that we left in the life before last
Before our eyes closed
Before the great divide
Before a doorway stood between you and me

As it stands I’ve found myself in that doorway again
With both feet in and your heart on my sleeve
But I can’t bring myself to walk through this time
Not yet at least
Not until I take one last look and see that it was you
That it was always you
Our hearts strewn across those old fragile floorboards
The silhouettes of each and every one of our memories
Playing out like a story that we both know we’ve seen before

I remember now
This was where I first found you
And beyond those closed doors
I will find you again
My love
I will find you again
I will find you again

I will find you
I will find you”

Hurt And Fear

Family

One of the biggest things that I am dealing with right now is knowing that I am making all of these changes from a place of love and people not being able to accept it for what it is.

It breaks my heart to know that I twisted people’s vision of me so much that when I am genuinely doing better, and improving, and healing that it isn’t taken at face value.

I’m being judged right now. What does that mean? People are taking the evidence of the past, and making a final conclusion on who I am or how things are going to turn out.

They aren’t looking at the evidence in front of them, in the present, and making decisions off of those facts.

I’m hurt that my intentions are not seen for what they are, and they are assumed to be something else. When I am doing something with care and love, it comes off as controlling. When I try to express how I’m feeling, it comes off like I’m in a place of fear.

When I’m insecure or feel uneasy about a topic or statement, I make jokes or laugh unintentionally to break the tension. And it comes off as mockery or dismissiveness.

I’m trying to navigate all of this the best I can without having a complete emotional breakdown.

I’m making changes. And not little ones here and there. I’m making as many fucking changes that I can. It’s a work in progress and I’m going to slip up every once in awhile. But I’m making massive improvements in such a short time. I’ve just got a lot of shitty things to work through from the past 16 years.

We have to let our guard down and lower the walls around our hearts just a little bit. We need to get to know each other. We need to meet each other where we are at now, and not where we used to be.

We need to get the anger out of our hearts. It is a barrier that is not allowing a better friendship to happen. Anger, resentment, fear, concern. These are things that are getting in the way.

Trust, honesty, acceptance, and love. That’s what we need more of to get through this.

If we choose to let ourselves stay guarded and not let one another in, then we are doing a huge disservice to the way relationships (friendships) are built.

I do have fear in my heart, but it is not why I am doing all of this. Im fearful that I will be made fun of or dismissed for my actions. Im fearful that I will never be able to show more love. Im fearful that my words will never be taken for the honesty and love that they are.

I’m fearful that my actions and changes will come off as manipulation, and not because I want to change and to be better.

I’m fearful that my love will not be accepted for what it is.

I’m fearful that the gifts I give will be received without the love that went into them.

I am a good person that has done a lot of stupid shit.

But I’m doing better. Not for my wife, not for my kids, but because I woke up and made a choice to work on me, and how that effects others.

The hurt and fear will subside as I work through these things in therapy.

Be patient and continue to be loving and accepting.

Sometimes the hardest thing we have to do in the day is setting our emotions aside to focus on what is important.

Just show up. Even when it’s hard, especially when it’s hard. Do everything you do from a place of love, and not a place of pain or anger.

Just keep putting in the work. Nothing in life is just going to be handed to any of us.

Show up and do hard things, but don’t dismiss the sadness, anger, pain, and fear. Those are usually triggering points, and those are the things that we all need to work on.

Healing And Apologies

Family

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. Healing means the damage no longer controls you.”

You told me you couldn’t heal with me. And that should have been enough. Your wants and your needs have been neglected for so long that I can’t fight your need to heal without me.

I hope you can heal. And I hope you find what it is you are looking for in life.

“Sorry”

My apologies flow out of my mouth as if they are a requirement for any conversation we have. I know you’re so tired of hearing them.

And I know that you don’t fully believe the sincerity and honesty behind them.

That I say the words “I’m sorry” so frequently that you become numb to it and it begins to lose it’s meaning.

But it doesn’t. With each sorry comes more understanding of the things that I did wrong. They value of the words from me are not diminishing, they are growing with each occurrence.

But I know my words have been empty promises that take the love from you, and not giving it instead.

And I know the sorrys are becoming redundant and excessive. So I just acknowledge.

“I understand.” “I hear you.”

But the sorry is there within all of my words, and they are carrying forth through my actions.

I do understand. I do hear you. And I am sorry.

But “sorry” doesn’t heal pain. “Sorry” doesn’t fix broken hearts.

I hope and I pray and I want you to heal. And you can’t do it with me, but I will always be cheering you on from the sidelines.

And I am on my own healing journey. There are a lot of things that I have been through as well that never got addressed.

Neither of us were perfect in our marriage. And we were not raised with good examples of what a healthy marriage should be. We were kids, having kids, trying to figure out how to be adults. We stumbled. Both of us. A lot.

But we are adults now. And we have figured out a lot of life, and have worked through a lot of tough situations and issues.

Someday you and I will be healed from the pain that we have been through. And we will be better people for it. I’m trying to live in the here and now, but I look forward to the day that we can sit down together for coffee and have relief come over us because the heaviness in our hearts is finally gone.