stress

All I See Are Funhouse Mirrors, And It’s Not Fun Any Longer

depression, Life, Weight Loss

Warning, this is a very serious post about a mental illness that I have. It is not to be treated as a light subject in any way.

Honestly, this post has been in my head for awhile now, but I’ve been dreading writing it down and giving it life. It’s a side of my life that I honestly hate talking about because it makes me feel so terrible about myself.

But I can’t really put it off any longer. Thanks to Facebook for throwing the reminder in my face, I was at one of my lowest weights a year ago.

Sounds exciting, right? Not when I have put back on almost 30 pounds over the last year.

Why? I know a lot of the reasons why. Most of it is due to complete laziness. It also has to do with stress. Letting my sweet tooth control me. Going through a severe stage of depression. Getting a promotion at work and taking on additional responsibilities. But mostly not putting the time into it like I did a few years ago.

But that’s not what this post is about. Let’s discuss something that has such a stigma around it, and you will rarely hear much about – male body dysmorphia.

What it is about is the fact that even at my lowest weight, after losing nearly 80 pounds, I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I hated pictures of myself.

I lost 80 pounds and could only see the 249 pound person I let myself get to.

And now that I’ve put on 30 pounds and am not even close to my original goal weight any longer? It’s terrible. All I do is look at myself and see the flaws. Constantly.

And you know what is especially hard about it? Is that I am such a hypocrite about body images. I highly encourage people to be comfortable with themselves. I use the word beautiful and share it as often as I can. I make sure to promote healthy self views from a young age.

I think stretch marks are amazingly symbolic of the journey that a person has gone through, especially after childbirth. I have stretch marks. Do I think that about myself? Absolutely not. To me, they are a constant reminder of what I did to myself.

I also have loose skin on my stomach from the rapid weight loss (60 pounds in less than a year). Could I do something about it? Probably. But I am always telling myself what’s the point? I have these stretch marks and this loose skin that I am never going to be comfortable in my own body.

I refuse to go swimming with other people because I have such insecurities with my own body. Is it really that bad? Probably not, but the way I see myself I just can’t get through that mental block.

I wear a compression shirt. Every. Single. Day. Why? Because at this point it is such a security blanket to me that I can’t imagine going a day without it. It squeezes in all my imperfections and hides them away, at least for the day. I can dress nice, and feel good about myself for a little while until I catch my reflection somewhere in something.

I know that it is such a problem for me that I intentionally go out of my way to try to make sure other people don’t feel the way I do about myself. When people say nice things about me physically, I generally do not believe it. In my eyes, I do not see myself as an attractive person, in the slightest. Which is ironic because people tell me my two youngest look just like me and say that they are beautiful. Should be a compliment, right? Right.

My negative feelings about myself physically have been the reason for many of my periods of depression. I start to feel so down on myself that I often will try to seek some sort of validation that things aren’t as bad as I think they are. You know, the cheesy social media post selfies seeking attention, or things like that?

But those never go how you imagine, and you generally do not get the feedback you were hoping for. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy and people aren’t comfortable giving men compliments? I don’t know. But when you’re already feeling terrible about yourself and you throw a final S.O.S. out there and get nothing in return? It’s a really quick shortcut to depression and negative self feelings.

When I did photography I would try to limit the amount of editing I did to my clients because I wanted to capture their true essence. Their genuine beauty. And I was great at it. I would often have conversations with clients who would ask for things to be removed and I would push back and tell them it’s a part of them that they should own and feel beautiful in their own skin (things that aren’t temporary like birth marks, moles, etc – not things like pimples that come and go).

But when I see pictures of myself? I want to edit one picture for hours. I want to make that person an attractive person. Because I’ve never felt that way about myself, maybe at least I can manipulate it through editing, right? Not quite.

Body dysmorphia is terrible. I should be proud of how far I’ve come, but all I can do is yell at myself for how close I was to my goal, and how much I’ve let slip away.

And what do I do about it? Nothing! I could be doing more exercises to tone the areas I’m extremely uncomfortable with (my stomach and my chest), but I don’t. Because no one is holding me accountable. Stupid, I know.

I started running a month ago. And I’ve put on 5 pounds. How flipping discouraging is that? I’m doing more strenuous activity than I’ve ever done and my body just mocks me.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to fix my body image issues. I wish I did. I wish I could stop looking at a mirror or a picture of myself and just stop seeing a distorted funhouse mirror version of myself. But I can’t. I don’t know how long I’ve had these feelings. I was in amazing shape when I was in my first year of college (before marriage), but pretty quickly started putting on weight over the next 10 years. When I look at the picture above I wish I could get back to that. I tell myself I would be happy now if I were that person again.

But I know I wasn’t happy with that person when I was there, either.

I could lie and tell you it’s not an every day battle, but it really is. Every day when I have to put on this shirt. Every evening when I climb into bed (which, surprisingly I can’t sleep with a lot of clothes on so that certainly doesn’t help). Every time I see a picture of myself. Every time I look in the mirror and notice my hair is not looking good. Or that it is staring to recede. Or that I look terrible with facial hair. Or that I wish I didn’t have to wear glasses. But putting contacts in is such a hassle. Or that I never feel comfortable with my clothing style. Or how I struggle when I run. Or that I constantly question if I’m eating the wrong things or the wrong amounts. Or thinking about all the toning exercises I should be doing but never do. Every day when I see people who just make things look so effortless.

It’s exhausting.

I wouldn’t wish body dysmorphia on my worst enemy. It literally eats you alive from the inside out. Honestly, I’m surprised I never battled with an eating disorder as much as I don’t have self love for myself. I think it’s because I just stopped looking in the mirror for a long time. And I “noped” out of a lot of picture opportunities.

Someday it will get better. I’m trying to learn to love myself, but it’s not easy.

So the next time you hear me give someone a compliment about the way they look, know that I am saying it with a lot of intentionality and meaning. It is not a superficial remark. I don’t ever want anyone to feel about themselves the way I feel about myself. And if I’m giving you, or someone close to you a compliment? It’s coming from deep in my heart and carries more weight than you probably think (in a making you feel positivity sort of way, if that makes sense).

Dear God,

Today I’m praying boldly and selfishly. I’m praying that You help me overcome these negative feelings and help me to start loving myself. Please continue to guide me towards living a healthier life. I hope to be healthier to live a longer life to be able to do more good in this world for You.

I want to be able to be more active with my loved ones and spend more quality time with them. To be a support and role model for my children.

Please help me in overcoming my control issues with food. And help me in having more will power to be more active and do the things I know I should be doing. My body was given to me by You and I need to be treating it as the gift it is.

Amen

You ARE beautiful. Every single one of you. I hope if you hear it enough it will eventually start to sink in.

With all my love.

Kyle

Guide to Living a Less Stressful Life

Family, Life, religion

Life is tough. Being an adult is difficult, and being a responsible adult is even harder. At times. It’s enough to make you long for the days of innocence and carefree worries – the life of a child. Or a cat.


The anxiety has been getting the better of me lately to the point where those closest in my life were beginning to wonder if I was regressing to the state I was in 2.5 years ago. Those were dark times, those that I don’t want to revisit.


But I wasn’t approaching that point. My mind has just been running 90 miles an hour, playing and replaying “what-if” games constantly. Questioning and doubting every little decision, always looking for the “right” answer.

I had to take a step back and reevaluate again. And it was difficult because I have a tendency to see the bad in every situation.


I sat down and made a list. Or a “guide” rather. Looking at the things that stress me out, and taking the wisdom from those around me I finally came out with the following, which is growing daily:

Guide to Living a Less Stressful Life

  • Trust in God and ALWAYS keep your faith.
  • Stop pretending that you are in control. No amount of planning will change what He has planned for you.
  • Stop living for a false idol. At the end of your life you do not get to take any of your money with you.
  • You are not supposed to know all the answers. Stop trying to find the meaning behind everything that happens in life. Life is a journey and everything that happens is there to guide you along the way.
  • It is not the obstacles and challenges in life that define you, but rather how you respond to them. Always look for the positive in every situation.
  • No matter how hard it gets, it will always be okay in the end.
  • You are not living your life for others around you. Your accomplishments and achievements are noticed by those you matter, your failures are noticed by those who don’t.
  • Do not judge others for living a life that is different than your own.
  • Be kind to everyone. Those who it is most difficult to be kind to need it the most.
  • Forgive and clear your heart at the end of every day. Do not let the burdens of today carry over to tomorrow, which is never promised.
  • Slow down and pay attention to the little details. In the end, they make up the big picture

And I printed this off and have this at my desk at work so I can see it every day as a reminder.

1) Trust in God and ALWAYS keep your faith.

Oh how my faith has been so easily shaken. Our faith has been tested a LOT lately, especially since we decided to start going to church. Financially, academically, career wise, relationship wise. But I’m learning to trust in what matters.

2) Stop pretending that you are in control. No amount of planning will change what He has planned for you.

I am a planner. I, actually, probably take planning to the extreme. I scheduled this year’s Thanksgiving dinner last year. I have a 10 year financial budget. I have vacations planned 5 years from now. But it doesn’t matter. Yes, it IS important to HAVE a plan, but always be prepared for the plan to change. I do not know what tomorrow brings, but He does.


3) Stop living for a false idol. At the end of your life you do not get to take any of your money with you.

As I said above, I have a 10 year financial budget. And it gets modified and updated weekly, if not daily. But we have been so consumed with having a certain amount of money that we neglect the here-and-now. “We can’t do this because we have this coming up in a few years.” We are letting our lives and opportunities pass us by so we can have a certain amount of money on hand. To use for nothing. To just have. For who knows what reason. Live life, enjoy the present.

4) You are not supposed to know all the answers. Stop trying to find the meaning behind everything that happens in life. Life is a journey and everything that happens is there to guide you along the way.

This one is a struggle to me personally. And this has been one of the main reasons my faith has wavered in the past. I feel like I always have to know the reasoning. “This happened because of this.” I over-analyze, look at a million what-if scenarios, and think there’s always one true solution or answer.

5) It is not the obstacles and challenges in life that define you, but rather how you respond to them. Always look for the positive in every situation.

People don’t remember you for the events that happened in your life, they remember you for how you handled them. We ran in to this a few days ago when our septic system decided to fail on us. After we just had an inspection 3 weeks ago that came back good. Which we, in turn, went ahead and booked an international trip. So now we will be out thousands of dollars, that was not budgeted mind you. The positive? We will have a brand new system that we will likely never have to worry about in our lifetime. And after all is said and done, we get to go to Ireland for a week. It was hard to find those positives in the cloudiness.

6) No matter how hard it gets, it will always be okay in the end.

Let’s take this in the literal sense just to go from the extreme. As long as you lived a life for God, you get to go to Heaven. How can it be more okay than that? In the normal day to day extremes every bad situation is only temporary, as long as you make the decision to let it be.

7) You are not living your life for others. Your accomplishments and achievements are noticed by those who matter, your failures are noticed by those who don’t.

This is another struggle for me personally. I have this instinct to constantly prove myself to others. To “be better”. I’ve seen a lot of “failure” around me in my life and never wanted to be a part of that group. But I’m living my life, #1 for God, #2 for my family, and #3 for myself. Beyond that, it doesn’t matter. I’ve had times in my life where people are always finding my faults, and never recognizing my successes. And I let it get to me constantly. But I ultimately decided that their opinion doesn’t matter.

8) Do not judge others for living a life that is different than your own.

Oh .. man. This caused me to have my big breakthrough last year (see here). I was THAT PERSON I was just talking about above. Putting others down. Judging them on their “failures”, making them feel worthless. But just because they are on a different path than me doesn’t mean they are on the wrong path. God has a path for all of us, and NONE of them look the same. Period. That’s why we were given free will.

9) Be kind to everyone. Those who it is most difficult to be kind to need it the most.

Bottom line, if someone is making your life difficult, don’t return the favor. They may be going through things in life that you couldn’t begin to imagine. And maybe that act of generosity and kindness is all it takes for them to turn their negativeness around.

10) Forgive and clear your heart at the end of every day. Do not let the burdens of today carry over to tomorrow, which is never promised.

Even after my breakthrough I still struggle with this at times. It’s getting better now that I am letting go and trusting more in God and his plan for me. At the end of the day you have to ask, if I were not to wake up tomorrow, did I live a full life with a clear heart and conscious?

11) Slow down and pay attention to the little details. In the end, they make up the big picture.

My kids, especially my youngest, will sometimes ask me the same thing over and over again. Or to do silly little tasks. And I let these things annoy me because I forget these are all the moments in life that matter. They will all be adults someday, and no longer in the house. I will probably go days, hopefully not weeks, without hearing from them. They won’t need my assistance at a certain point. These moments matter.

My anxieties and stress had been getting the better of me. I finally decided to let it all go and hand my life back over to God. I had strayed, but He was there every step of the way to make sure I didn’t go too far.

I’ve been listening to contemporary Christian music lately because it has been speaking to me in such a profound way. Some songs just speak to me when I need it most.

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could have walked through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

~Lauren Daigle

I don’t need my name in lights

I’m famous in my Father’s eyes

Make no mistake, He knows my name

I’m not living for applause

I’m already so adored

It’s all His stage, He knows my name

~Francesca Battistelli

I hear things during the homily, then I hear things from those around me, and I hear the words from these songs. It’s all bits and pieces that just come together and speak to me.

I’m living a life for God. I listen to contemporary Christian music without fear of judgement. I share the songs with friends and family. I carry my bible with me to work every day. I speak openly and unashamedly about my beliefs. And I am proud of it.

And I am proud that my family is wanting to do this with me. Not without some hesitation from a few, but everyone’s relationship with God is different and it is between them to find it in their own time. My family and I have signed up to become members of our church. We will be attending classes starting in September and the 4 of them (as I have already done it) will be baptized next Easter. And I can not wait to share it with all those I love.

This has been my guide to living a less stressful life. And it is helping me tremendously. I hope it will find a way to speak to others as well.

K~