Self Realization And Fighting Back

Family, God, Life, love, pain, Prayer

Today will be a short post, but one that I need to document so I have it to come back to when/if these feelings return.

I recently had some much needed conversations with a few pretty great people in my life. And in opening up about things that I didn’t know I was still keeping in, I realized that I can be a major hypocrite. I’ve learned that my words can be extremely powerful tools when used correctly. I’m really good at making others feel good. I can find the words that they need to hear pretty quickly.

But, I’ve noticed, I am terrible at taking my own advice.

I’ve been telling a loved one recently not to hide her joy from the world, regardless of other’s perceptions.

Helloooooo! Do you not listen to yourself when you speak, Kyle?

So I’ve made a decision…

I’m no longer going to turn my back and run from the fear. I am going to stand my ground and I am going to fight my fear head on. I have a lot of joy to give to this world, and I’m going to give it!

So I am going to be joining the children’s ministry at church once all of this craziness subsides. I can make a difference in these kids’ lives and help guide them to be fellow Jesus followers. And they bring so much happiness to my life, why would I want to run from that?

And I am going to go out of my way to compliment others whenever I can. I know where the intentions in my heart lie, and I know for a fact that having others speak positively of and to you is such an amazing feeling. We need more love in this world. I may be one small grain of sand, but last I checked a mustard seed could move a mountain.

And I am taking back the word beautiful.

We need to use this word more often and remind others of what it really means. It should be taken as a compliment and bring happiness to who it is shared with. When the world can often be an ugly place, it is a blessing to be reminded that you stand out against that and have so much value.

And I’m going to be mending relationships with some of those I have pushed away. I have a lot of love to give this world, and the people who saw the worst side of me deserve to see me at my best.

I have a lot of opportunities coming up for me over the next year. Instead of questioning if I could or should be taking them on, I am going to take them for what they are – blessings. I will use the opportunities to do so much good for as many people as I can.

I was given a second chance for a reason, and I am not going to waste it. I couldn’t have told you 18 months ago that life would have played out the way it has. I believe God is guiding me to do something greater in this world, even if that only begins here locally.

I am giving myself, fully, to God. I am letting go of the fear. Jesus loved unconditionally and faced His fears. If He were living my life, I know He would do as much good for the world while He could.

And that’s enough for me. I will no longer be a hypocrite. I will not hide my joy from this world any longer.

…if anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will be the same again.

William P. Young – The Shack

Dear God,

I finally get it. I do not know what it is exactly that I am supposed to be doing with this life, but I know that I will be doing it for You. I give myself to You, and will follow Your guidance.

I will make a difference in this world, not for myself but for You, in Your name. When I die, if I have no money to my name but have touched others hearts I will have lived a successful life. If no one remembers my name when I am gone, but even one person has a better relationship with You I will have lived a successful life. If when I am gone I have lived a life for You, and used your blessings and gifts to bring love and joy to others lives, then I will have lived a successful life.

Here I am, Lord, fully surrendered to Your love. I am ready to serve You and to serve others. I am above no one, and will love everyone unconditionally, for that is Your will. It’s time for me to no longer squander the blessings You have bestowed upon me. I will no longer hide behind fear.

I know there will be struggles along the way, so I ask that You please continue to protect me through them.

This evening I pray that you please lift the burdens that my loved ones are carrying. Please gently caress their heads as they sleep tonight and remove some of the heaviness on their hearts. Please wrap them with a warm embrace that I wish I could give them but am unable to. Let them feel Your love and mine through Your presence.

Please speak to those who are in immense pain and uncertainty during these trying times. I beg You to please hold tightly to those who are ready to meet You sooner than they are meant to. There is so much good that they can bring to this world, and although they may find it unbearable right now, I hope You will provide them clarity. Let the love and support that their loved ones have given them seep into their hearts and fill the void that has been created. They need You so much right now, especially when others cannot be there for them. They are such beautiful people that have a voice that needs to be heard. Please let Your words flow through them for many, many blessed years.

Please continue looking after those who are fighting this pandemic. It is not Your doing, but please let people know You are by their side through it all.

Please protect everyone, but especially those who are on the front lines of fighting this. They are putting their own lives on the line, and often potentially giving up their families, to be there for others. Your love is so evident in them.


As a reminder, you are beautiful. I love you!

With all my love!


What’s In A Name? A Reminder of Where I Came From And Where I Want To Go

Community, Dinner, Family, God, Jesus, Life, love, Neighbor, religion

When I created this blog over 4 years ago I was in a place in my life where the only thing I wanted was solitude for my immediate family of 5. This blog was created to be about OUR little infinity. I had shut the rest of the world out and was focused on my wants. My needs.

But I’ve come to realize that “our” is a relative term. It does not have to be about my wife and I, or a family of 5. And I’m so glad that it is not that way! I am so grateful that I am no longer the person that I once was.

I’ve thought about going through the process of changing the blog name. I know the steps that need to be made to switch the domain name, how to change the authors, etc. But I don’t want to any longer. As I have mentioned in a post on my Facebook, my past is what has brought me to be where I am and the person I have become. And I want to embrace my past, the pain and all.

Let’s break this out and over-analyze, shall we?

Table For Five. Today, this means I am setting a hard limit on the number of people I let into my life. I am closing myself off from the world, putting up walls and telling others that if you don’t belong in my small group, you’ll never get to know me. The only people allowed to sit at my table are my wife and children.

That’s not who I want to be! Not anymore. Not ever again! As I’ve mentioned before, we are planning on moving before year end. One of the biggest reasons that I now want to move is because I do not physically have the space in my own home to be able to have people over. I want my new home to be a safe haven for others. I want it to be a second home to my loved ones. I want it to be open to my neighbors. I can promise you now that other people will have keys to my home. Where you don’t have to knock to enter. Where you will always be welcomed.

I want to be surrounded by loved ones every day. I want to share meals all the time.

One of my absolute favorite things that I get the privilege of doing is having dinner with my best friends and their family once a week. Every week, aside from times of sickness, we prioritize sitting down and breaking bread together.

And my favorite thing about it is that when we all sit down together there is not a division in families. If you ever watch us together, we do not separate. The adults do not sit apart from the children, spouses do not pair off and stay right by one another. We come together as one. And my heart is so full being able to speak to every single one of them individually as if we have known each other our entire lives.

And it’s something I want to be surrounded by. I want to just give so much love. I want to have plans every night of being with loved ones. I want to build relationships. I want to share the love of Jesus.

I don’t want a table for five. I want a table for fifty.

I am this new person now and all I want to do is just give my love to others. And it’s such a weird feeling to me because just a few months ago I was so closed off to the world. But now my eyes, and my heart, have been opened.

Love creates such beautiful transformations.

Our Little Infinity.

How naive I was to believe that my life, and the life my family had, was from my own doing. That I had a right to claim it as my own. To take possession of “our” little infinity.

Our little infinity is so much greater than I could have ever imagined. To have the love of God, to be a follower of Jesus. To be given eternal life. Oh how it just opens the doors to so much beauty and joy.

We have a life that has been blessed upon us, and we get the honor of sharing this with others. “Our” grows from five to a community of so many.

Our little infinity now means the life I get to share with my community for the time I am alive. And what an amazing thing that is.

I am brimming with love. And compassion. And joy. And happiness. Oh, my heart has never felt this way before and I never want it to change.

I’m eager to make this transition into our new home and begin sharing my life with those around me. Please fill my life with love. Let us share a meal together. Let’s go for a walk. Let’s cry together. Let’s pray together! Let’s just be together, with love in our hearts. It doesn’t have to be a special occasion.

And for those who already welcome me into their homes, you are a big reason why I strive to be a better person. I hope these meetings happen often as it is easily one of my favorite moments each week and something I look forward to.

My family of five is no longer. It has grown and I am so blessed.

“Dear God,

Oh how You have made Your presence known in my life! I see You all around me. I stop and notice the amazing things You have done in this world that we take for granted on a daily basis.

I recognize Your blessings and I cherish them!

My heart has been opened because You worked through others to bring me back to You. I see You in their eyes. I hear You in their voice. I feel You in their hugs.

Today I want to thank You for everything in my life. I know You are not responsible for the bad, but know You never left my side through them. You allowed me to try to do things on my own, and were always there to catch me when I fell. And You have forgiven me through them all.

How loving You are. That You would sacrifice so much to allow me be here, as significant and small as I have felt in the past.

I pray that You allow me to share my love with all those who are willing to accept it. I want to bring love and happiness to others lives, as You have done for me.

I pray to be blessed with a table for so many! That I can serve others and give them a place to rest their feet and their hearts. To give others a second home and a place to feel safe and loved.

I thank You again, as I will likely do every day, for bringing loved ones to my life. Those who make me be a better person. Who make me feel so incredibly welcomed.

I pray that You continue to be there for those who are in pain this evening, and that You may grant them peace and serenity.

I thank You for everything You have blessed my life with. You have given me so much and I am eager to give back in any way I can.

Thank You for opening my eyes and my heart.


A fair warning before I end this post this evening, I am making an effort to express my feelings every chance I get. We are not promised tomorrow, and if today happened to be my last I don’t want anyone to ever question how I felt about them. So, I will tell you I love you. Often. Because love is such a beautiful thing, and just being told that you are loved, in my experience, just makes everything so perfect. And hugs are one of my new favorite things. Not little ones, though. Long, full embraces are the best. ☺️

So, with that said, I love you! If you are reading this post it is because you are someone I care about and wanted to be a part of my life.


P.s. since I am letting more people in to my blog, please don’t forget to “follow” down below. Just put in your email address and verify it and you will get emails anytime I post!

Guide to Living a Less Stressful Life

Family, Life, religion

Life is tough. Being an adult is difficult, and being a responsible adult is even harder. At times. It’s enough to make you long for the days of innocence and carefree worries – the life of a child. Or a cat.

The anxiety has been getting the better of me lately to the point where those closest in my life were beginning to wonder if I was regressing to the state I was in 2.5 years ago. Those were dark times, those that I don’t want to revisit.

But I wasn’t approaching that point. My mind has just been running 90 miles an hour, playing and replaying “what-if” games constantly. Questioning and doubting every little decision, always looking for the “right” answer.

I had to take a step back and reevaluate again. And it was difficult because I have a tendency to see the bad in every situation.

I sat down and made a list. Or a “guide” rather. Looking at the things that stress me out, and taking the wisdom from those around me I finally came out with the following, which is growing daily:

Guide to Living a Less Stressful Life

  • Trust in God and ALWAYS keep your faith.
  • Stop pretending that you are in control. No amount of planning will change what He has planned for you.
  • Stop living for a false idol. At the end of your life you do not get to take any of your money with you.
  • You are not supposed to know all the answers. Stop trying to find the meaning behind everything that happens in life. Life is a journey and everything that happens is there to guide you along the way.
  • It is not the obstacles and challenges in life that define you, but rather how you respond to them. Always look for the positive in every situation.
  • No matter how hard it gets, it will always be okay in the end.
  • You are not living your life for others around you. Your accomplishments and achievements are noticed by those you matter, your failures are noticed by those who don’t.
  • Do not judge others for living a life that is different than your own.
  • Be kind to everyone. Those who it is most difficult to be kind to need it the most.
  • Forgive and clear your heart at the end of every day. Do not let the burdens of today carry over to tomorrow, which is never promised.
  • Slow down and pay attention to the little details. In the end, they make up the big picture

And I printed this off and have this at my desk at work so I can see it every day as a reminder.

1) Trust in God and ALWAYS keep your faith.

Oh how my faith has been so easily shaken. Our faith has been tested a LOT lately, especially since we decided to start going to church. Financially, academically, career wise, relationship wise. But I’m learning to trust in what matters.

2) Stop pretending that you are in control. No amount of planning will change what He has planned for you.

I am a planner. I, actually, probably take planning to the extreme. I scheduled this year’s Thanksgiving dinner last year. I have a 10 year financial budget. I have vacations planned 5 years from now. But it doesn’t matter. Yes, it IS important to HAVE a plan, but always be prepared for the plan to change. I do not know what tomorrow brings, but He does.

3) Stop living for a false idol. At the end of your life you do not get to take any of your money with you.

As I said above, I have a 10 year financial budget. And it gets modified and updated weekly, if not daily. But we have been so consumed with having a certain amount of money that we neglect the here-and-now. “We can’t do this because we have this coming up in a few years.” We are letting our lives and opportunities pass us by so we can have a certain amount of money on hand. To use for nothing. To just have. For who knows what reason. Live life, enjoy the present.

4) You are not supposed to know all the answers. Stop trying to find the meaning behind everything that happens in life. Life is a journey and everything that happens is there to guide you along the way.

This one is a struggle to me personally. And this has been one of the main reasons my faith has wavered in the past. I feel like I always have to know the reasoning. “This happened because of this.” I over-analyze, look at a million what-if scenarios, and think there’s always one true solution or answer.

5) It is not the obstacles and challenges in life that define you, but rather how you respond to them. Always look for the positive in every situation.

People don’t remember you for the events that happened in your life, they remember you for how you handled them. We ran in to this a few days ago when our septic system decided to fail on us. After we just had an inspection 3 weeks ago that came back good. Which we, in turn, went ahead and booked an international trip. So now we will be out thousands of dollars, that was not budgeted mind you. The positive? We will have a brand new system that we will likely never have to worry about in our lifetime. And after all is said and done, we get to go to Ireland for a week. It was hard to find those positives in the cloudiness.

6) No matter how hard it gets, it will always be okay in the end.

Let’s take this in the literal sense just to go from the extreme. As long as you lived a life for God, you get to go to Heaven. How can it be more okay than that? In the normal day to day extremes every bad situation is only temporary, as long as you make the decision to let it be.

7) You are not living your life for others. Your accomplishments and achievements are noticed by those who matter, your failures are noticed by those who don’t.

This is another struggle for me personally. I have this instinct to constantly prove myself to others. To “be better”. I’ve seen a lot of “failure” around me in my life and never wanted to be a part of that group. But I’m living my life, #1 for God, #2 for my family, and #3 for myself. Beyond that, it doesn’t matter. I’ve had times in my life where people are always finding my faults, and never recognizing my successes. And I let it get to me constantly. But I ultimately decided that their opinion doesn’t matter.

8) Do not judge others for living a life that is different than your own.

Oh .. man. This caused me to have my big breakthrough last year (see here). I was THAT PERSON I was just talking about above. Putting others down. Judging them on their “failures”, making them feel worthless. But just because they are on a different path than me doesn’t mean they are on the wrong path. God has a path for all of us, and NONE of them look the same. Period. That’s why we were given free will.

9) Be kind to everyone. Those who it is most difficult to be kind to need it the most.

Bottom line, if someone is making your life difficult, don’t return the favor. They may be going through things in life that you couldn’t begin to imagine. And maybe that act of generosity and kindness is all it takes for them to turn their negativeness around.

10) Forgive and clear your heart at the end of every day. Do not let the burdens of today carry over to tomorrow, which is never promised.

Even after my breakthrough I still struggle with this at times. It’s getting better now that I am letting go and trusting more in God and his plan for me. At the end of the day you have to ask, if I were not to wake up tomorrow, did I live a full life with a clear heart and conscious?

11) Slow down and pay attention to the little details. In the end, they make up the big picture.

My kids, especially my youngest, will sometimes ask me the same thing over and over again. Or to do silly little tasks. And I let these things annoy me because I forget these are all the moments in life that matter. They will all be adults someday, and no longer in the house. I will probably go days, hopefully not weeks, without hearing from them. They won’t need my assistance at a certain point. These moments matter.

My anxieties and stress had been getting the better of me. I finally decided to let it all go and hand my life back over to God. I had strayed, but He was there every step of the way to make sure I didn’t go too far.

I’ve been listening to contemporary Christian music lately because it has been speaking to me in such a profound way. Some songs just speak to me when I need it most.

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move

When You don’t part the waters I wish I could have walked through

When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

~Lauren Daigle

I don’t need my name in lights

I’m famous in my Father’s eyes

Make no mistake, He knows my name

I’m not living for applause

I’m already so adored

It’s all His stage, He knows my name

~Francesca Battistelli

I hear things during the homily, then I hear things from those around me, and I hear the words from these songs. It’s all bits and pieces that just come together and speak to me.

I’m living a life for God. I listen to contemporary Christian music without fear of judgement. I share the songs with friends and family. I carry my bible with me to work every day. I speak openly and unashamedly about my beliefs. And I am proud of it.

And I am proud that my family is wanting to do this with me. Not without some hesitation from a few, but everyone’s relationship with God is different and it is between them to find it in their own time. My family and I have signed up to become members of our church. We will be attending classes starting in September and the 4 of them (as I have already done it) will be baptized next Easter. And I can not wait to share it with all those I love.

This has been my guide to living a less stressful life. And it is helping me tremendously. I hope it will find a way to speak to others as well.