This Is Me

Before we start, let me make something very clear. This is not a post about me saying “accept me as I am or don’t accept me at all.”

This is me putting down in writing the person I am changing into. This is me documenting the man I want to be in the future.

This is me acknowledging my past so I can remove it from my present and future.

I am finally here. I am finally the father my kids have always wanted me to be. I am finally the husband that you needed me to be.

Actually, no. Let me correct that. I am finally becoming the father and husband that everyone has needed.

I’ve still got a lot of work to do.

I’ve still got therapy to get through. To make sure that I get to the root of as much as I can so I can free myself from those chains.

I’ve still got to prove to you that this is who I am now.

This is not a game to me.

I’m not putting in all of this work to go back to how things were before.

The shoe is not going to drop.

This isn’t some elaborate scheme.

I would never be able to face any of you if I started to slip back into being that person again.

These changes bring so much love and joy to my life. How could I stop being this person that others want to have around?

We talk like we have never talked before. Why would I want to stop doing that?

The time our family spends together is quality time. I can’t let that go.

The trust that I have built with the kids is so incredible. Yes, sometimes they tell us WAY too much, but that’s okay. It shows a great deal of trust and safety.

Not reacting emotionally really has made me a more pleasant person to be around.

Accepting things for what they are, and not criticizing others because it’s different than I may have choose makes life so much easier.

What part of my old me would I want back?

The depressed, introverted, critical person I was? The person who didn’t show all the love that he carried in his heart? Someone who made life about themselves and dismissed the beauty of those who surrounded him?

Fuck that.

I know what the red flags are.

I’m not going to be someone who treats our children poorly, or doesn’t accept them and meet them where they are at.

I’m not going to be someone who doesn’t constantly remind his wife just how beautiful she is.

I’m not going to be someone whose words can’t be trusted.

I’m not going to be someone that people don’t feel emotionally or mentally safe around.

I’m not going to be someone who takes his amazing life for granted.

This is me, now. I’m working every day to be a better version of myself so one day I can be the best version of me.

Giving love brings me so much joy, happiness, and love.

And that includes giving love to myself.

You never asked me to make any changes when you asked for a separation. Not one. You said you were done and then you walked away.

I made the decision to do this.

I choose every single day to be better so that I can be better for our family.

There was no ultimatum.

This is me.

I’m here.

I will always be here.

And I’m not going anywhere again.