The Pain That You Deserve

Family, Life

I can not sleep. The medication is supposed to help, but I lie here at night and the loneliness stands over me, keeping me in place with a mirror pointing at my face reminding me that I am to blame.

I am to blame. This is all my fault. It’s always been my fault.

Today is a day that I wish I would have followed through on ideals that ran through my mind when the darkness took hold.

You wouldn’t hurt if I weren’t here to cause the pain.

I wouldn’t hurt if I weren’t here.

I can not eat. I will work through my meals because you ask me to, because despite everything you still care. But it doesn’t stay down.

I deserve this pain.

I can officially say that I have damaged all of the most important relationships in my life. When I am a grenade that demolishes everything when I go off, why continue to even go out?

I tried to be a good husband and father. And I failed.

I just want to love fully.

As of today I can not see a future for myself. When I try to look ahead all I see is a world drowning in my tears, the people begging me to go away.

I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve the love I have been given.

I don’t deserve the patience and acceptance they was given to me by my wife.

I do deserve the pain. It is mine to bear. It is mine to carry while I have the strength to carry it.

It’s never been my intention to hurt anyone else.

I’m so sorry…

Advertisement

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s