I can not sleep. The medication is supposed to help, but I lie here at night and the loneliness stands over me, keeping me in place with a mirror pointing at my face reminding me that I am to blame.
I am to blame. This is all my fault. It’s always been my fault.
Today is a day that I wish I would have followed through on ideals that ran through my mind when the darkness took hold.
You wouldn’t hurt if I weren’t here to cause the pain.
I wouldn’t hurt if I weren’t here.
I can not eat. I will work through my meals because you ask me to, because despite everything you still care. But it doesn’t stay down.
I deserve this pain.
I can officially say that I have damaged all of the most important relationships in my life. When I am a grenade that demolishes everything when I go off, why continue to even go out?
I tried to be a good husband and father. And I failed.
I just want to love fully.
As of today I can not see a future for myself. When I try to look ahead all I see is a world drowning in my tears, the people begging me to go away.
I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve the love I have been given.
I don’t deserve the patience and acceptance they was given to me by my wife.
I do deserve the pain. It is mine to bear. It is mine to carry while I have the strength to carry it.
It’s never been my intention to hurt anyone else.
I’m so sorry…