An Outsider Looking In

I’ve come to a point where I take a moment to reflect on the relationships in my life and realize that I am an outsider looking in. I will be turning 32 this year in a little over a month and only just noticed how alone in this world I have been.

Tomorrow marks 3 years since I had everything figured out (see here…). What did I do with these revelations since that time? It’s been about 3 years since I’ve even written a post, so I must have been doing great things, right?

I lost my way. I handed my life to God and assumed that that was it. I took Him for granted and believed that nothing could go wrong from that point.

But I let my guard down and allowed the distractions to take over my life. My priorities shifted again. I can’t even tell you the last time I attended church. I can tell you where I’ve progressed with my career. I can tell you where I am with school. I can’t tell you a lot of the things going on with my own family.

I recently had people come into my life that have profoundly changed my life in the best way possible. I will save a post on them for another day, but these people have made me make realizations about the relationships in my life.

I am an outsider looking in. I no longer belong. Or, I’ve never belonged and am just now realizing that that’s okay. I have lost all connection with those I thought I needed to have connection with.

I am at a different place in my life now. My accomplishments don’t necessarily go unnoticed, but they are often overshadowed by what others are going through in their own lives.

I can not have meaningful conversations with any of my parents or siblings any longer. I, instinctively, go back to my ways of being judgmental and speaking poorly of their life choices. And that’s not the person I want to be any longer. But I no longer know how to speak with them.

I don’t want to speak poorly of those who I truly do still love, but I’ve got to stop making excuses for those who don’t bring positiveness to my life. That doesn’t sound like a very Godly thing to say, right? Yeah, you’re right. But I know that if I keep surrounding myself with people who don’t bring me up, I will be lead back down a sinful path, where negative thoughts and anger consume me.

Last year was a terrible year for me. I was so lost in life that it nearly brought an end to my marriage. I had sinful thoughts cross my mind that distracted me from what was important. I said extremely hurtful words to my wife who did not deserve any of it. And in self reflection, I have no idea why last year even happened.

I tried to fit myself in with groups of people that I didn’t belong in. I drank, excessively, for the first time in my life. The way I spoke to others changed and I began cursing like it was part of my normal vocabulary. I tried so hard to belong that I nearly lost the little that I did have.

But fortunately I found my way out of that, mostly due to the fact that I was being told to move out of my own home, away from my own family. I was given an ultimatum and it was a wake up call for me.

I still wandered lost for awhile not feeling like I belonged. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t happy. I have no idea what I was. It wasn’t until I had people come into my life that I finally found a purposeful life.

But throughout all of last year I had the realization that I had no one to talk to. I talked to one of my dads about it and was pretty much told I was just being stupid. Yes, I was, but I wasn’t really sure how to get out of it. And other than that, I felt like I had no one to turn to.

I, stupidly, did not turn back to God during these times. I only just found my way back to Him again these last few weeks, due the very unfortunate passing of a truly great man who made more of an impact on my life in the short month I knew him than most anyone else I’ve even met in my life.

I need to surround myself with people who build me up. I need to surround myself with people who choose me. I need to be around a community that will foster my growth with God. I need to be around people who make me feel important and that I do matter.

And I know some of these people read these posts and will be hurt by my words. This is not to say that I do not love you and that I won’t be there for you in times of need, but I can’t allow myself to be lost again. I don’t have life figured out. I need people who will keep helping me even when they believe I am doing well. I need to be around people that keep positive thoughts in my head.

I need to no longer be an outsider looking in.

I need to keep on this path.

Kyle~